Talk to Fa

For the first time, I am learning what it’s like to have people believe in me. I’m sure a lot of people believed in me before, but I didn’t believe them. So this is a very new feeling for me. It feels strange and exciting, and I kinda don’t know what to do with it.

I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to grow up with such an influence. To be seen, accepted, and loved for who I am, as I am, without having to shrink myself and behave in front of adults. This is making me sad!

I am not going to lie, I wish my family had the emotional maturity and capacity to receive me. But the truth is, I feel like an alien when I’m around them. I always felt that way. I just learned to blend in and appear happy on the outside, so they are happy.

When I was 17, I left home to attend high school in a foreign country. Thousands of miles away from where I grew up. I really just wanted to be away from home. Deep in my gut, I knew I couldn’t have reached my authenticity if I were around my family. They didn’t know what to do with me. I had to get me out of there.

Even writing this out loud, I feel a lot of guilt. I’ve come to see and love them for who they are. They love me in ways they know and can. I appreciate that. I am okay with that. I am grateful for that.

Sigh.