Talk to Fa

I want it all. Please and thank you!

With love, Fa

I turned on the AC for the first time today. It reached 36°C and 96°F where I live in Los Angeles. I love the smell of the AC. It’s giving that early summer vibe. Longer days. Bright sun. Magical glow of the golden hour. The AC smell takes me back to all my summer memories and makes me feel excited and hopeful for what’s coming this summer. I love summer so much. I can’t wait to swim in the ocean. I can’t wait to visit my favorite rocks. I can’t wait to travel to places I’ve never been but always felt close to. I can’t wait to eat watermelon with my bare hands. I can’t wait for my skin to get darker. I can’t wait to sleep naked. I can’t wait to be out, seen, and meet more people. I can’t wait to receive rewards and blessings for all the work I’ve put into myself. I can’t wait to create prosperity with my gifts and talents. I can’t wait to have new experiences beyond my imagination. And I can’t wait to have fun!

I am part of a small band. I’m the singer. Others are reading music and playing their instruments. They follow the score and practice their craft. I, on the other hand, cannot find my sheet music. The sheet has the lyrics for me to sing. What am I supposed to sing if I don’t know the words?

My life comes with no script. I am the creator. I write the things I want to say. I write the scenarios I want to live. I choose the people I like. I do what feels fun and right for me.

#dream

Feel the vibe Trust the vibe

Words lie.

We buy things we don’t need  We drive cars we can’t afford   We go to places social media says are cool We invest in neighborhoods we don’t resonate with We do drugs to feel better for the moment  We drink alcohol to forget We consume destructive music and entertainment  We date people we don’t love We stay friends with people who flake on us  We eat food with no nutritional value  We eat “healthy” food unfit for our designs  We overwork to avoid facing ourselves We stay in careers we think we should be in  We escape to exotic destinations  We stay busy to feel important  We spend our time and energy on the wrong people We blame our problems on other people  We hold on to our outdated beliefs really hard

Then we hit rock bottom

We realize we are not well  We have no idea who we are  None of these external factors makes us happy  We can’t keep escaping  We can’t keep going like this anymore

This is when we break

Everything we’ve held on to no longer works  We experience a massive amount of loss  In relationships, health, jobs, and things we own

The loss ends up working in our favor It’s spring cleaning time Everything that holds us back, is out  To create more space for new things to enter

We encounter people who challenge and test us They are here to urge our growth We encounter people who instantly feel like family  They are here to remind us we are not alone in our journeys  And that we deserve to love and be loved

We finally start facing ourselves  It’s uncomfortable  But we can’t go back  We have no other choice  So we keep going inward  The darkness of the tunnel feels like forever

Then we start seeing the light We start remembering who we are  Who we want to be  Who we don’t want to be moving forward What we like  What we don’t like

We realize all our problems stem from our childhoods We revisit our painful pasts  We work through them with grace and courage  This time, we got this  Our awareness is on another level  We’ve been collecting the dots this whole time   We finally get to connect them  It’s time to feel whole

We’ve reached the state of inner peace We accept where we are and who we are We accept the painful pasts We accept the wrongdoings of other people We see ourselves in others We surrender and love

Our journeys continue.

#writing

I am swimming back and forth between loving unconditionally and admitting that I no longer feel fulfilled by some people in my life.

I thought I’d let go a lot. Then people from way back return to my life. There’s part of me that genuinely longs for those good times we shared together.

Memories. History. Secrets. Inside jokes. References. Conflicts. Laughs. Trips. Long conversations.

I fill our time together with what’s familiar. It’s fun for a while, and I find myself feeling guilty. Because I need more.

Today, I ask for your help.

Meg is a friend and my trusted yoga teacher. The recent Eaton Fire displaced her and caused her to lose all her belongings. It was in her recurring class at Kinship Yoga that I realized my intuitive gift and began offering healing. In a way, if you help her, you would be helping me, too.

Please donate here. Any amount is appreciated. Thank you for your kindness.

Tap in. Tune in. Go inward. Look within. Search within Answers are in us. Answers aren’t out there. The only way out is through.

Every night, I look at pictures taken a year ago today, two years ago today, three years ago today, and so on.

Five years ago today, my hands were covered in oozing eczema caused by a combination of anxiety, extreme stress, and an imbalanced diet. I was pouring all of my energy into things that weren’t mine. I was depressed and burned out. I was frustrated. I didn’t know who I was. I kept convincing myself, “This is what I want.” It wasn’t. By the end of that year, my ex-husband and I started living separately. We’d been together for fourteen years.

Four years ago today, I hiked to the summit of the Acatenango volcano in Guatemala and saw the sunrise. It was cold, misty, and unbelievably majestic. The climb was brutal because of the loose volcanic gravel. You take three steps forward and two steps back. My intuition had told me I needed to do something physically challenging to reach a particular realization, and I did. A couple of weeks later, I finally had the courage to tell my ex I wanted a divorce.

Three years ago today, I was healing from a sliced finger and a broken heart. I was supposed to meet and have a conversation with someone significant to me. The night before the alleged convo, I sliced my finger while cooking and spent all night at the ER. The incident must have been an ominous premonition. The conversation didn’t happen, leaving me saddened, unfulfilled, and unsettled.

Two years ago today, I’d been back home in Japan for two months. I caught COVID in late 2022 and needed to heal and recover under the care of my family. I had all these weird autoimmune symptoms and ended up staying for seven long months. I thought I was only staying for a couple of weeks at the most. During those months, I worked out and sweated it out, changed my diet completely, and rebuilt my foundation. I tackled the root causes of my health issues through trial and error without relying on prescriptions and temporary solutions. I also made painful visits to the past and faced my childhood traumas. It was some of the most emotionally difficult, lonely, and uncomfortable times of my life.

A year ago today, I was involved with a man who questioned my worth like no other. With him, I applied the lessons I’d learned from facing my parent wound head-on. In the brief period with him, I finally realized that what I knew to be okay wasn’t okay. This involved unlearning and re-learning of my lifelong beliefs. I was so overwhelmed once I reached the revelation that I couldn’t do anything for a month. I needed to heal. That was heavy but necessary.

Today, I am looking back at the past five years of my life. I am thankful for all the things I got to enjoy, experience, and overcome. I feel light, optimistic, and peaceful. I know that I earned this peace. I faced my demons. I didn’t run away from what scared me. I love the person I’m becoming. I love discovering unexplored parts of myself. I keep shedding and evolving.