Once, I was talking to someone I was seeing. He brought up a topic I was interested in but wasn’t very familiar with. I was honest and comfortable about my lack of knowledge. He then said to me, “You should know this,” in a sarcastic tone. How condescending, I thought. Maybe he put me on a pedestal in some way and was disappointed by the unrealistic expectation he had of me. But I believe we have friends and encounters because they come and teach us new things, and I like learning in real life from real people. I am not at all embarrassed by my ignorance. Later, with some time, I realized maybe it was he who had felt pressured to be competent his whole life. I was reflecting his shadow back to him. Whether with this man or others, I often experience people projecting themselves onto me. Usually, they are men. It’s really fucking annoying, but I doubt this will stop happening to me. It is part of my destiny and purpose. Although I used to feel hurt by these unwanted projections, I now understand it’s not about me, but about them. I also know these people will never be the same. Crossing paths with me is a life-changing event. I hope they are healing.
I’ve been having vivid dreams lately. They feel significant and foretelling, but I can’t remember the details. I’ve always been fascinated by dreams and have used them to understand my subconscious and those in my energetic field. Although the details of my recent dreams are blurry, they seem to reveal emotions I’ve suppressed. The theme keeps recurring in my dreams. I’m working on putting my needs first, before others. My long-standing habit needs to end, but it’s harder than I anticipated. I remember this moment clearly: a family member asked me for a favor. I told him I couldn’t do it at that moment, but I would do it later that day when I had more time. He got furious and called me incompetent. I was stunned by how abruptly it escalated. Since then, I’ve been walking on eggshells around him. It’s heartbreaking but also a relief to finally realize I was living with a narcissist. What’s scary is the same trait that pushed me to the edge also exists within me. I became aware of this through some very intense connections over the past few years. The lesson will keep coming back in different bodies and forms until we surrender and face it with love and courage. I’m glad I noticed the pattern. I am a keen observer. I’m hopeful I can overcome this habit.
