I couldn’t love my dog properly. I didn’t know how. He put me through the wringer. A real challenge. I also realized I didn’t love caring for an animal full-time. It was a real commitment. I wasn’t ready for it. Overnight, my freedom was gone. I was just thrown into it. My life changed drastically. I hated it. Over time, I got used to the rhythm of living with a dog. But it was never natural for me. Giving commands. Training. Being a pack leader or whatever. That just isn’t me. Until the end, he felt like a stranger. I often felt like an outsider at home. I pushed my feelings aside and did my best. It felt like he hated me. He really tested me. He bit my face. He bit my hands and fingers many times. He snapped at me when I tried to put a harness on him. I never knew when it would happen. I was scared of him. I felt guilty because I couldn’t give him what I thought he needed. Every time he snapped at me, it felt like he was saying, “That’s not it, try again.” What I really needed was not to have a dog and to get in touch with myself. If I knew myself better, I wouldn’t have gotten a dog.
It’s not often I meet people who can meet me where I am. Maybe fewer than 5 people in my entire life have truly given me that. I met one of them earlier this week. I was introduced to her by a new friend. We met at her home and spent an hour together. She learned about my quirks and recognized them with softness, depth, and love, with the level of awareness I’ve only wished others had. I really, really wanted that as a kid. I am starting to meet people who not only see me for who I am but also tell me, in words, why I am gifted. It is a shift. A much-needed one. I grew up without compliments or positive feedback. Through these new connections, I am remembering my power and gifts as I heal my inner child.
Contentment feels right for me. Not necessarily happy or sad. Not good or bad. I’m good with what is. I still know how to make myself happy if I want to, but I don’t have to do that all the time. I enjoy it, though. Like, the other day, I went out to a restaurant. It was such a pleasant experience that after ordering an appetizer and an entrée, I ordered another entrée. The server was laughing. I don’t think she was expecting an order of medium bison steak when she came back to my table with a dessert menu. I still had dessert after the bison, rhubarb panna cotta to be precise. My appetite surprises me sometimes. Good food makes me happy. I know how to have a good time.
I stopped consuming stimulants a few years ago. Coffee, alcohol, cannabis, and some other things. I quit because I wanted happiness to come from within. They say these substances aren’t addictive. I think they are. They were for me, and I didn’t want to admit that. There were individuals in my life whom I could only connect deeply with by sharing substances. When the effect wore off, the connection was lost. I wanted something more. Deeper, more meaningful, and something worth sustaining. People’s energy levels vary, but I am a high-energy beast. I realized I am a stimulant myself. When someone like me consumes external stimulants, it’s a complete overkill. Many people need stimulants to feel confident. I feel more relaxed and more like myself without stimulants.
I stopped wearing makeup daily because I didn’t want to anymore. I like my face the way it is. I stopped wearing a traditional bra. I always hated wearing a bra. It was so uncomfortable. Then one day, I realized I didn’t have to wear it, so I stopped. I quit social media because I didn’t want to wake up to a load of information I didn’t ask for. To this day, a few friends have asked me to come back to Instagram, which I find somewhat gratifying. But I feel really, really peaceful without it. And honestly, I don’t care about what’s trending. I used to think I should care, but I don’t. I’m very happy to be missing out.
I recently spent hours reducing my over 2000 contacts down to less than 200. Why keep them if I don’t even remember who they are? I still delete call and text history every day. I find it unnatural to keep a record of conversations. I believe in actively eliminating irrelevant digital content regularly. It’s the same as intentionally letting go of our outdated beliefs. It has to be done on purpose. However, when I meet friends or new people, I am very present. If they share stories and resources, I take them to heart because they came from the people I choose to keep and cultivate. I appreciate them sharing with me in person. This is how I learn in life.
I enjoy talking about myself, but I rarely get to. Definitely not as much as I make others open up about themselves. Not many have the depth or the ability to converse with me in a way that makes me want to trust and open up. Nor do many know how to flow with the rhythm of conversation. This is because they lack listening skills, but, at a deeper level, it actually stems from a lack of self-awareness and authenticity. That’s why I’d rather just listen to them talk, even if it bores me. Or just leave. I’ll open up only when it’s natural and when I’m asked questions in the right context, with curiosity and sincerity. I used to think I was closed off for this reason, but back then, I didn’t know why I was the way I was. Now I feel unapologetic about it because I am more in touch with myself.
She often shares pictures and videos of her daughter. The baby is 8 months old. I get the impression that she is more entertained by the baby than gently loving her. She is learning to love, to love herself by loving her daughter. The baby is filling the mother's lack of love. She gave birth to a girl rather than a boy because the girl is the healer for the mother.
Someone recently told me my energy was addictive. They meant it as an honest description of their experience with me, not as a compliment or an insult. I didn’t know how to feel about it at first. As it sank in, I felt weird. Many people I meet and become friends with end up admiring me so much that they start acting more like fans than friends. Admiration can be exciting, but fans tend to grow possessive of their idol. And when fans don’t get what they expect from the idol, they feel betrayed.
