Talk to Fa

What you do < how you do it < Who you are while doing it

I thought they wanted advice, so I offered them solutions

I thought they needed space, so I left them alone

I thought they got it, so I chose not to help

How foolish was I?

What they needed were hugs

I should have hugged them in silence

Sometimes my intuition is strong and on point.

Sometimes what feels like my intuition is anxiety and fear based on past experiences.

You fan my fire. You have access to my love and passion. You flaunt me in front of your peers. You benefit and feed off my energy. You love the idea of me. But when it counts, you bail out. You run away. You don’t have the capacity to match my depth. I find myself frustrated and unfulfilled. A relationship with you is transactional. I look back. It has always been that way.

I am a mother to our inner children

I will always love us

I hope you will love us too.

I recently met an author while traveling. He wanted to share his book with me, so I asked him to email the document. He did, but the email bounced back. This got me thinking. Oh wait, I actually haven’t received an email on this account since earlier this year. I’ve met quite a few new people since the beginning of this year. Every time they showed interest in staying in touch, I directed them to my website and to contact me via the email listed there because I don’t always want to give out my phone number. I just realized I never heard from any of them. Maybe the communication was blocked for a reason. Maybe it protected me from something. Maybe they never reached out. Either way, it is inconvenient to have a nonfunctional email. So I spent a chunk of time fixing the problem.

All this is to say, my email is working properly now, and I can receive and send messages just fine. I’ve already tested it with a few tech friends. You will find my email address at the bottom of the footer and on my “About me” page. It’s mind-blowing to me how convoluted custom-domain email still is, but we will save that topic for another time. So yeah, if you’ve emailed me recently and didn’t get a reply, please try again.

I love being me, but living with the kind of inner knowing I have can isolate me from the rest of the world. A couple of my girlfriends are experiencing heartbreak right now. Two very similar situations, actually. I won’t go into details, but to me, they seem like the same story.

We are all different. We all experience different things. At the same time, our experiences are astonishingly similar, especially within an energetic collective. I’ve always been a keen observer, and I recognize patterns in people’s healing journeys, including mine.

Friends and clients tell me about the issues they are going through. Their dilemmas with outdated roles in life. Their romantic interests, friends, and family taking them for granted. Their worth not being recognized at work. When they are angry, frustrated, disappointed, and heartbroken, they go out and seek distractions. That’s natural. We want to forget our pain, so we numb ourselves with sex, entertainment, food, and substances. I’ve been there, too.

At the tail end of my numb phase, I finally realized it wasn’t going to help me in the long run. I hated that I saw through my bullshit. I hated that I finally had to face what I was running away from, because that was exactly the cause of all my pain. ALL. Once I reached that point, there was no going back.

It’s difficult for me to hear my girlfriends talk about their heartbreak. What pains me even more is that I see why their male partners acted the way they did, but they don’t see it, even if they really want to understand it. Truth is, nothing is one-sided. In most human relationships, we tend to mirror each other. We attract who we are. But beyond all of my inner knowing, I’m also a human being, a friend who cares. I want to listen and ease their pain as much as I wish they saw what I see clearly.

I often say I am built differently. I mean it in the sense that both my feminine and masculine qualities are powerful. I can resonate with both. If anything, I’ve always felt like I belong to neither and am some hybrid, an original being. Someone universal.

Lately, I’ve been learning about numerology and life path numbers. My life path number 9 is said to embody all the qualities of life path numbers 1 to 8. An embodiment of everything. An old soul. Some say 9 is the final life cycle on earth. I feel like all of this explains my strange place in this world. I am given this gift of discernment because I am such a self-contained individual. All the wisdom and knowledge I need are already within me.

This is the era of pouring into those who pour into me.