Talk to Fa

Contentment feels right for me. Not necessarily happy or sad. Not good or bad. I’m good with what is. I still know how to make myself happy if I want to, but I don’t have to do that all the time. I enjoy it, though. Like, the other day, I went out to a restaurant. It was such a pleasant experience that after ordering an appetizer and an entrée, I ordered another entrée. The server was laughing. I don’t think she was expecting an order of medium bison steak when she came back to my table with a dessert menu. I still had dessert after the bison, rhubarb panna cotta to be precise. My appetite surprises me sometimes. Good food makes me happy. I know how to have a good time.

I stopped consuming stimulants a few years ago. Coffee, alcohol, cannabis, and some other things. I quit because I wanted happiness to come from within. They say these substances aren’t addictive. I think they are. They were for me, and I didn’t want to admit that. There were individuals in my life whom I could only connect deeply with by sharing substances. When the effect wore off, the connection was lost. I wanted something more. Deeper, more meaningful, and something worth sustaining. People’s energy levels vary, but I am a high-energy beast. I realized I am a stimulant myself. When someone like me consumes external stimulants, it’s a complete overkill. Many people need stimulants to feel confident. I feel more relaxed and more like myself without stimulants.

I stopped wearing makeup daily because I didn’t want to anymore. I like my face the way it is. I stopped wearing a traditional bra. I always hated wearing a bra. It was so uncomfortable. Then one day, I realized I didn’t have to wear it, so I stopped. I quit social media because I didn’t want to wake up to a load of information I didn’t ask for. To this day, a few friends have asked me to come back to Instagram, which I find somewhat gratifying. But I feel really, really peaceful without it. And honestly, I don’t care about what’s trending. I used to think I should care, but I don’t. I’m very happy to be missing out.

I recently spent hours reducing my over 2000 contacts down to less than 200. Why keep them if I don’t even remember who they are? I still delete call and text history every day. I find it unnatural to keep a record of conversations. I believe in actively eliminating irrelevant digital content regularly. It’s the same as intentionally letting go of our outdated beliefs. It has to be done on purpose. However, when I meet friends or new people, I am very present. If they share stories and resources, I take them to heart because they came from the people I choose to keep and cultivate. I appreciate them sharing with me in person. This is how I learn in life.

I enjoy talking about myself, but I rarely get to. Definitely not as much as I make others open up about themselves. Not many have the depth or the ability to converse with me in a way that makes me want to trust and open up. Nor do many know how to flow with the rhythm of conversation. This is because they lack listening skills, but, at a deeper level, it actually stems from a lack of self-awareness and authenticity. That’s why I’d rather just listen to them talk, even if it bores me. Or just leave. I’ll open up only when it’s natural and when I’m asked questions in the right context, with curiosity and sincerity. I used to think I was closed off for this reason, but back then, I didn’t know why I was the way I was. Now I feel unapologetic about it because I am more in touch with myself.

She often shares pictures and videos of her daughter. The baby is 8 months old. I get the impression that she is more entertained by the baby than gently loving her. She is learning to love, to love herself by loving her daughter. The baby is filling the mother's lack of love. She gave birth to a girl rather than a boy because the girl is the healer for the mother.

Someone recently told me my energy was addictive. They meant it as an honest description of their experience with me, not as a compliment or an insult. I didn’t know how to feel about it at first. As it sank in, I felt weird. Many people I meet and become friends with end up admiring me so much that they start acting more like fans than friends. Admiration can be exciting, but fans tend to grow possessive of their idol. And when fans don’t get what they expect from the idol, they feel betrayed.

I won’t know until I finally do it.

Some people don’t know how little they know Some know and make an effort to fill their lack And some see through everything.

What a blessing it is to feel to connect  to experience  to be seen and just to be.

I woke myself up from a dream, before it was too late this time. It was a sweet, sweet dream. But it wasn’t right for me. I knew that. I guess I wanted to believe it was.

The world seen through a beautiful lens will always be beautiful.

butterflies white owl horses tree of life dead animals 9:09 navy blue fascia lats bhandas rose scent wind heart and mind teaching receiving being joy