Talk to Fa

These days, I feel like I’m losing things left and right. Physical goods are breaking. People are leaving. I keep selling and eliminating stuff from my space. I don’t know what’s coming next, but all these losses feel right. Somehow, they make sense.

I transcribe what my heart is feeling into words I don’t think I feel I express Unedited Unmanicured I give it to you straight It’s raw, how I do it It’s honest It’s too unbelievable and pure For those who said to me “You are all talk.”

What I thought I wanted What I thought I needed What I didn’t know I wanted What I didn’t know I needed

Do I really want to do that? Do I want to be that? Do I want to stay this way? Or that way? How about all of that? Or none of that?

Who even is this person? Me, I’m talking about me

My ideas and perspective Cultivated from birth to now They are popping up in my dreams In my thoughts In conversations Deep in my subconscious Like, “Hey, we are in you!”

They are evolving and shifting And they are dissolving This feels unfamiliar Yet incredibly natural Where have I been this whole time? It’s time to get used to this newness.

People come and go. Some stay through thick and thin. Some leave to work on themselves and their unfinished business. Some want to give me space. Very often, it’s simply that our time is up. We no longer resonate with each other. And that’s okay. We are all on our paths. We are just doing our best with what we know.

Eventually, many of them come back. They want to pick up where we left off. They want to apologize for disappearing. They want to defend themselves. They want a closure. They want a new beginning.

Reconciliations are interesting. I welcome them. The reason is this: I’m fascinated by how we evolve and grow when separated from those we used to have a tie with. It’s amazing how much we can change if we move with intention. Such change is totally possible. I’ve done it. People close to me have done it. Sometimes, the only way to our truth is through detaching ourselves from outside influences and tending to our needs in solitude. How can we see things clearly when our world and perspective are chaotic and clouded?

It also stuns me how little some of us change. Or should I rephrase, how some of us refuse to change. These people often seek external validation for their happiness and fulfillment. They want to feel needed and loved. It’s very human. We all want to be loved. But when the need is excessive, it creates a toxic, helpless loop that never ends. It’s painful to watch, especially when it’s someone we care about.

You either get it or don’t

You could have read thousands of books and listened to all the talks and lectures

You could have all the money in the world Having successful careers and businesses

You could be a teacher or a professor At institutions that leave people in awe

And still don’t get it

Because you either get it or don’t There’s no in-between.

“We are in this together” Did you come into my dream to tell me that?

#art

Destiny Jaimes Carachure, the director of the short film I was in last year, shared the rough cut with me. You can watch it on YouTube.

I’m thankful for this opportunity to explore my hidden side. This was my first time acting, as you can probably tell by my acting (oh well!). I recently wrote about the significance of my involvement in this project. It turned out to be such a fun and healing experience for my ever-so-curious inner child. She needed to come out. It’s funny how an unexpected event can impact my life so tremendously. I love it when dots connect. I’m so grateful to be alive and re-learning about myself through these random creative happenings.

I understand them They don’t understand me I see them They don’t see me I get them They don’t get me

They say “Talking to you is like talking to air” I was being as vulnerable as I could I understood at that moment They are not capable of seeing me For who I am

That’s all I wanted Ever

They enjoy my company But they make me wanna be alone They love talking to me Of course, they do, I am listening the whole time They can be themselves around me I am glad they feel that way I wish I felt the same around them

And they will never know Any of these feelings

You know what I still choose to give Even if they don’t register that as giving To them, giving involves something tangible Something monetary Something you can only see with the eyes Something you can measure

There’s all sorts of giving Everyone is different Every single person born in this world Came with a unique role I am starting to understand mine I understand theirs, too

I accept my role I am still gonna be me.

If not me, then who?

I can’t help but wonder what it would be like  if he weren’t in my life  if he were a loving person if he had the emotional capacity to receive me 

I wonder what it would be like  if I could cut a tie with him if I didn’t have to be on the receiving end of  the manipulation and the projection

I wish I could wipe all that off my memory and from my subconscious 

I wonder how I would have turned out  if he weren’t jealous of what I had that he didn’t have if he didn’t stop me from being who I am  and instead, if he just believed in me and supported me loudly and lovingly

I wonder…