Talk to Fa

If not me, then who?

I can’t help but wonder what it would be like  if he weren’t in my life  if he were a loving person if he had the emotional capacity to receive me 

I wonder what it would be like  if I could cut a tie with him if I didn’t have to be on the receiving end of  the manipulation and the projection

I wish I could wipe all that off my memory and from my subconscious 

I wonder how I would have turned out  if he weren’t jealous of what I had that he didn’t have if he didn’t stop me from being who I am  and instead, if he just believed in me and supported me loudly and lovingly

I wonder…

I am an empath and an eternal optimist. I am a lover and a hopeful romantic. I’m a third-culture kid. I speak multiple languages and resonate with various cultures. I am the oldest sibling and a black sheep of the family. I am here to break the generational cycle. I practice holistic wellness and approach food as medicine. I used to be married to a wonderful man from a very different upbringing and cultural background. I am a creative professional with 15 years of experience in branding and design. I co-founded a startup and built the brand from scratch. I am an artist at heart, and in life. I am a yogi. I am an old soul. I am everything my ancestors wished me to be.

I love the sun. I love the color orange. I love the trees. I love the red rocks. I love the American Southwest. I love baths, saunas, and steam rooms. I love the hot springs that I grew up with. I love the smell of tropical humidity. I love being at an airport. I love asking a server to surprise me with a dish of their choice. I love surprises. I love pineapples and watermelon. I love pho. I love cats. I’ve never been to Egypt but I feel nostalgic about it. I love slow train travel. I love going on a walk with no plan. I love driving for hours by myself. I love good conversations with my close friends. I love making love. I love to cook for myself and others. I love writing as I get lost in time, and I have so much to share. I love me.

— From the recently updated About Me page.

Words are useless.

#art

I’d just finished my potato samosas and baingan bharta. It hit the spot. So delicious and tasteful. I was surprised I was the only customer. Maybe it was too expensive for the locals.

I didn’t mind. I had the whole place to myself. After the meal, I sipped my chai and chatted with the host. I tried speaking to her in Spanish, but she responded in English. She was lovely. Her husband was the chef. He’d relocated from Northern India only a few months prior.

Halfway into the chai, I felt a visceral shift in the air. Two men had walked in. The entrance went like slo-mo. The younger man walked past my table and looked into my eyes. It was the most steady gaze I’d ever seen. Our eyes were locked. I couldn’t escape it. I seriously wondered if his eyes were made of seawater from different oceans. In those brief seconds, I began to remember things from the past that didn’t happen in this lifetime. Something much older. I didn’t know that was possible. I was experiencing this inexplicable nostalgia for his eyes.

The younger man joined his friend at a table next to mine. There were many tables, and all of them were empty. I found their choice odd, but maybe they were regulars, and it was their lucky table. I was the visitor after all. As I signed the check, they ordered a few items with the host woman. I was about to leave.

The older man asked me if I was local. I knew they were going to talk to me. I was going through difficult times back then (hence the travel), and I was more alert than usual. To my surprise, I felt relaxed by his presence. My guard was down. The conversation flowed.

The older man had soft, silver hair, with an even softer smile. There was something androgynous about him. Gentle, surreal, otherworldly, with a hint of madness. He was unlike any man I’d met. His body language was refined and open. Next to him, the younger man looked like an anxious little lamb with those big curious marine-like eyes. He was quiet during the conversation. I thought they were a father and a son.

Until they arrived, I’d made myself at home in the restaurant. I filled the space with my sole energy. The space was now transformed into something else. Something shared, with a quirky mix of tension, familiarity, and the kind of mutual understanding that I’d just learned existed.

“You are ready to enter the next phase of your journey,” said the older man. All my life, I’d been collecting dots unknowingly, from different experiences and lessons. When he said that, those sporadic dots connected inside me. I felt that. It was the first time I innately understood spirituality. Oh wow, I’d been a spiritual being this whole time.

The older man didn’t know anything about my circumstances. I didn’t tell him anything personal, actually. He knew. I got that because I have that in me, too. The intuition. The inner knowing. Being in his presence woke up that part of me.

When we parted, along with many other things, he told me, “You were born to save this planet.” I was overwhelmed and stressed by the comment. Legitimately. At the same time, it felt so right and so wrong, and I was scared and excited. I didn’t know what to make of it. I wanted to cool my head. I took the longer route back to my hotel, slowly walking through the small streets, vendors, tourists, and marimba performers at the plaza (actual audio recording below).

When I finally returned to my room, I collapsed into the bed and stared at the ceiling for hours.

Most people are strangers  But you My soul knew you already.

#art

Be here with me now Not yesterday  Not tomorrow Be with me today Right here, right now.

I was born to find home for my soul

Home is where I want to be Doing what I want to do  How I want to do it  With who I want to be with 

I want to go home

I will find my home. 

I’m lying on my bed on a Wednesday afternoon, feeling cool moist air from the humidifier and licking pink Himalayan salt clusters. My head is dizzy and loopy. There’s tight pressure on my temples and forehead. The more I cough the more sore my throat grows. And I’m on my period.

I feel like I should be miserable, but I am not.

As I spit out mucus for the 38th time today, I am grateful for this forced sacred rest. I’m noticing and appreciating all the little things that keep me comfortable. This is giving me the time to love and care for my body

Since I have an abundance of time, I want to take this opportunity to thank the little things.

Humidifier. I could not have slept last night without you. The smell and feel of humid air remind me of being in Hawaii, and I like that. Thank you for turning the dry LA air moist.

Pink Himalayan salt. Thank you for keeping me hydrated and supplementing me with electrolytes. I have needed more fluids than usual the past few days, and you are very nourishing. I like licking you like candy.

Water. What would I do without you? Thank you for being you. You are absolutely essential to my health and well-being. You are always there. I’m sorry if I ever took you for granted.

Bed. I am glad I washed all your sheets when I still had some energy yesterday. You are pink and linen. You are comfy. You give me a cozy feeling when I need it the most.

Organic cotton socks. Thank you for keeping my feet warm and cool at the same time. How do you even do that? I also like that you are tie-dye.

Laptop. Thank you, especially for the keyboard. I love typing on your keyboard. Sometimes, my thoughts come out so fast that I can’t possibly write them down with a pen. You are a savior.

Orange blue-light glasses. You make my digital experience a bit softer. I thank you for that.

Bluetooth speaker. Thank you for providing me with good sounds of whatever I want to play and listen to. Thank you for your long battery life. Thank you for your 360 Degree Sound feature. You sound great!

Yoga mat. Because of you, I can do the poses to relieve my pains comfortably. Anywhere I am becomes a place of practice, meditation, and solace because of you. Namaste.

Local raw honey. You know I am fasting today to give my body a much-needed rest. I can still get a spoonful of your sunny, golden nectar and feel the joy and nourishment you so effortlessly deliver. I am in awe of your magic.

Organic pineapple juice. You taste like the sun, my element. Thank you for not coming with added sugar. You are a party in my mouth and my gut.

Plants. Having you in my sight gives me peace and a connection to the natural world when I am stuck inside, unable to get the sun outside. It’s nice to be in your presence, my fellow living souls. Thank you for being green.

Essential oils. I love all of you, but I have to give it up for eucalyptus and tea tree for soothing my sinus infection through the diffuser and nasal rinse, and lavender for putting me in euphoria.

Skin and hair. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for the good skin and hair genes. Even sick days are good skin and hair days for me. That’s a win.

Period. Thank you for reminding me that I am a woman.

Creativity. When I’m sick. I tend to get more introspective. My creativity kicks in and pushes me to write more. I am often lost in time. I am grateful for this ability. It connects me to me on a deep level.

Last but not least, I want to thank the rain for blessing our city today.