I started experiencing it after one of the biggest tragedies of my life.
There was a boy I was into. He was the captain of my school’s soccer team. Athletic, charismatic, and flamboyant. Beautiful hair, full lips, husky voice. He had strong thighs and calves like a proper soccer player. He wore a navy and orange Le Coq track jacket to his practice. He looked like young Gael Garcia Bernal, but East Asian. I was in love with him.
He became my boyfriend for like 2 months. It felt like heaven. We would go to the local mall for dates. He would walk me home from school, and we held hands. We planned our first kiss over the phone and made it happen the next day. Such little nerds! I never wanted it to end.
Then all of a sudden, he told me that he liked one of my girlfriends and he couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.
Every day felt like darkness. It went from romantic to hopeless in no time. What even is the point of living, said my 12-year-old self. I’d never ever experienced that kind of pain before. I liked him so so much, yet I couldn’t have him. It was excruciating.
I don’t remember much from the following two years. I have no memories from the period actually. I was legitimately traumatized. It was shocking to my whole system and altered my way of being. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes I suffered.
Up until the boy came into my life and left, I was quite extroverted. Vocal, outgoing, and social. I loved to be around people and especially to talk to people. The experience completely changed me, and it took me a few years to sufficiently recover. I honestly feel like I’m still making my way back to the old me.
My mom did this arrangement for me on my birthday. She said she wanted to express the essence of me with those sunflowers, vivacious tropical leaves, and horizontal shape. I love it. I especially love the dynamic shadow it creates.
Warm summer night
Sitting on the balcony floor
Facing me closely
On the faded blue beach blanket
Two wine glasses
Two mezcal shots
One water pipe
Warm string lights
Illuminating the texture of your curly hair
Your eyes
So wide and open
Deep like the ocean
Sad like the saddest movie I’ve ever seen
Your eyes on my eyes
No blinking so far
Piercing through my soul
I feel seen for the first time
I like my face the way it is. It took a lot of inner work to be able to say that, and I deserve this sense of ease. I earned it. It’s a good place to be.
