Talk to Fa

love

I had social anxiety as a low teen.

I started experiencing it after one of the biggest tragedies of my life.

There was a boy I was into. He was the captain of my school’s soccer team. Athletic, charismatic, and flamboyant. Beautiful hair, full lips, husky voice. He had strong thighs and calves like a proper soccer player. He wore a navy and orange Le Coq track jacket to his practice. He looked like young Gael Garcia Bernal, but East Asian. I was in love with him.

He became my boyfriend for like 2 months. It felt like heaven. We would go to the local mall for dates. He would walk me home from school, and we held hands. We planned our first kiss over the phone and made it happen the next day like little nerds. I never wanted it to end.

Then all of a sudden, he told me that he liked one of my girlfriends and he couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.

Every day felt like darkness. It went from romantic to hopeless in no time. What even is the point of living, said my 12-year-old self. I’d never ever experienced that kind of pain before. I liked him so so much, yet I couldn’t have him. It was excruciating.

I don’t remember much from the following two years. I have no memories from the period. I am not exaggerating, but I was legit traumatized. It was shocking to my whole system and altered my way of being. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes I suffered.

Up until the boy came into my life and left, I was quite extroverted. Vocal, outgoing, and social. I loved to be around people and especially to talk to people. The experience completely changed me, and it took me a few years to sufficiently recover. I honestly feel like I’m still making my way back to the old me.

Side note, I realized the impact of this experience only recently. It came up when I was doing shadow work.

#stories #love #healing

I love you Because I love me so much And I see bits of myself in each one of you

#love #journal

the sun is high the sky is blue winds on my tanned skin the sweet sound of silence

on the rocks between rocks surrounded by rocks

that’s where i want to be

#nature #love #poetry

I’m purified  I’m restored I’m inspired  I’m calmed I’m invigorated

Nothing comes close  To its healing power  To its magic

I can breathe now

#healing #love #nature

My mom did this arrangement for me on my birthday. She said she wanted to express the essence of me with those sunflowers, vivacious tropical leaves, and horizontal shape. I love it. I especially love the dynamic shadow it creates.

#love #journal

Cats like me because I am one of them.

#meow #love

Warm summer night Sitting on the balcony floor Facing me closely On the faded blue beach blanket Two wine glasses Two mezcal shots One water pipe

Warm string lights Illuminating the texture of your curly hair Your eyes So wide and open Deep like the ocean Sad like the saddest movie I’ve ever seen

Your eyes on my eyes No blinking so far Piercing through my soul I feel seen for the first time

#love #poetry #art

I like my face the way it is. It took a lot of inner work to be able to say that, and I deserve this sense of ease. I earned it. It’s a good place to be.

#healing #love #journal

I told him I love him I simply expressed what I felt It was not a request for an action I sought no answer The feelings were overflowing And drowning me in overwhelm I had to release them I had to tell him For me

#love #journal