Pattern
Hurt women raise men who then hurt the very women who are capable of healing them. The women finally awaken and find love within themselves. The world needs more women like that. Only such women can heal men.
healing
Bad days
I've become more accepting of bad days. I understand that not every day and every moment can be fun and uplifting. The darkness can come and go, and I embrace it. I feel it and seek meaning in it. I use it to fuel my creativity and productivity. I let it be what it is. I have faith that better days will come again. I am trusting of myself, the timing, and the universe. I really like how I’m feeling these days. I’m so glad and thankful I get to feel this way.
Not a day
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POV of a self-proclaimed dyslexic
I believe we, dyslexic people, are creators. The universe intentionally made it difficult for us to learn from existing content so that we can create something new.
Traditional learning is hard for me. A large amount of text is daunting and overwhelming for me to read and process, unless I have a personal association and resonance with the subject.
I rarely watch movies. It takes up too much of my energy.
It’s almost impossible for me to sing along to songs. I didn’t write the words.
I don’t like templates. It’s annoying how I have to create pretty much everything from scratch.
I have a hard time remembering tangible details. This painting of mine is a great example of how I associate people, places, and things with smells, textures, colors, lighting, and feelings.
I express my inner world through creative expressions. I observe, listen, experience, and make mistakes in real life to earn lessons and knowledge. I cross the line to know where it is. I have my own way of seeing and learning.
I wish I could tell my 12-year-old self it’s okay to be unconventional. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s awesome.
We are awesome.
Sound is medicine
My life hit rock bottom a few years ago. In a short time, I experienced COVID, burnout from a long-term career, separation then divorce from an even longer relationship, being blamed for the divorce by my own family who live thousands of miles away, serious health decline caused by malnutrition, and strange autoimmune symptoms. It was like walking through an endlessly dark and gnarly tunnel without a lamp or guide. And for the most part, I went through it alone. I’ve always been an optimist. That’s my natural state. But during the dark tunnel phase, optimism felt too shiny even for me.
At the beginning of my awakening, I was introduced to frequency music to soothe my anxiety. Back then, I was so broken and fragile that I was willing to try anything to feel better. I’d play the music on the speaker, on my noise-cancelling headphones, in my car, and in my sleep. I would start a 10-hour sound healing video on YouTube when I go to bed and wake up to the music. A few days into the routine, I started feeling noticeably lighter. I couldn’t believe it. Since then, sound healing has been a major part of my life. If you think about it, we are all energy. That means we are all frequencies. It only makes sense that when we find the sound in resonance with our energy, we heal.
The thing
It’s not always about the thing we are going after. Instead, let us ask these questions:
- Why is this thing happening to us?
- Why now?
- Who do we encounter in the journey?
- What are the roles of these people in our lives?
- Have we been in their shoes in different scenarios?
- What does the thing want us to realize and learn from?
- How do we evolve from the lessons?
- How do we apply them in our lives?
- What do we have to let go of?
- Who do we have to let go of?
- How do we use the revelation to unleash our powers?
- How do we love and trust ourselves despite all of this?
Don't throw knives at me
This morning, I woke up in tears. I’d already been crying in my dream.
In the dream, I was sitting across from my family at a long table, lined with crisp white linen. Me on one side, them on the other side. It felt like me against them. We were in a dining car on a train. The train was running along the coast. Outside the train was a beautiful, peaceful scene. Inside the train, my family was shouting at me. They were saying harsh, heartless things to me, just as they sometimes used to do in the waking life. They took out hefty cooking knives. One by one, they started throwing them at me. “You are crazy!” I shouted at them as I kept dodging the knives in the air. They continued to throw more knives at me. I begged them to stop, but they weren’t listening. They were too busy throwing knives at me.
When I woke up, I felt just… incredibly sad. I was coming to terms with the hurt I felt all my life. I carried their emotional burden on my shoulders. I tolerated their projected pain and anger. These are the things I kept brushing off growing up because I didn’t want to see my family as villains, and I somehow thought I deserved such treatment.
The other day, I heard someone say that most of us don’t hurt each other on purpose. I felt that. My family didn’t intend to hurt me, I’m sure, or I hope. But the damage was made in me. Words were said to me. The dream forced me to relive and feel all those difficult emotions that I didn’t get to accept and feel when I first experienced them. This time, I knew I wasn’t responsible for their emotions. This time, I wasn’t going to protect their feelings over my own.
I stayed in bed for a while to process the dream. I felt more tears in my eyes. I cried a bit more.
What a healing journey is like
We buy things we don’t need We drive cars we can’t afford We go to places social media says are cool We invest in neighborhoods we don’t resonate with We do drugs to feel better for the moment We drink alcohol to forget We consume destructive music and entertainment We date people we don’t love We stay friends with people who flake on us We eat food with no nutritional value We eat “healthy” food unfit for our designs We overwork to avoid facing ourselves We stay in careers we think we should be in We escape to exotic destinations We stay busy to feel important We spend our time and energy on the wrong people We blame our problems on other people We hold on to our outdated beliefs really hard
Then we hit rock bottom
We realize we are not well We have no idea who we are None of these external factors makes us happy We can’t keep escaping We can’t keep going like this anymore
This is when we break
Everything we’ve held on to no longer works We experience a massive amount of loss In relationships, health, jobs, and things we own
The loss ends up working in our favor It’s spring cleaning time Everything that holds us back, is out To create more space for new things to enter
We encounter people who challenge and test us They are here to urge our growth We encounter people who instantly feel like family They are here to remind us we are not alone in our journeys And that we deserve to love and be loved
We finally start facing ourselves It’s uncomfortable But we can’t go back We have no other choice So we keep going inward The darkness of the tunnel feels like forever
Then we start seeing the light We start remembering who we are Who we want to be Who we don’t want to be moving forward What we like What we don’t like
We realize all our problems stem from our childhoods We revisit our painful pasts We work through them with grace and courage This time, we got this Our awareness is on another level We’ve been collecting the dots this whole time We finally get to connect them It’s time to feel whole
We’ve reached the state of inner peace We accept where we are and who we are We accept the painful pasts We accept the wrongdoings of other people We see ourselves in others We surrender and love
Our journeys continue.
Evolve
Every night, I look at pictures taken a year ago today, two years ago today, three years ago today, and so on.
Five years ago today, my hands were covered in oozing eczema caused by a combination of anxiety, extreme stress, and an imbalanced diet. I was pouring all of my energy into things that weren’t mine. I was depressed and burned out. I was frustrated. I didn’t know who I was. I kept convincing myself, “This is what I want.” It wasn’t. By the end of that year, my ex-husband and I started living separately. We’d been together for fourteen years.
Four years ago today, I hiked to the summit of the Acatenango volcano in Guatemala and saw the sunrise. It was cold, misty, and unbelievably majestic. The climb was brutal because of the loose volcanic gravel. You take three steps forward and two steps back. My intuition had told me I needed to do something physically challenging to reach a particular realization, and I did. A couple of weeks later, I finally had the courage to tell my ex I wanted a divorce.
Three years ago today, I was healing from a sliced finger and a broken heart. I was supposed to meet and have a conversation with someone significant to me. The night before the alleged convo, I sliced my finger while cooking and spent all night at the ER. The incident must have been an ominous premonition. The conversation didn’t happen, leaving me saddened, unfulfilled, and unsettled.
Two years ago today, I’d been back home in Japan for two months. I caught COVID in late 2022 and needed to heal and recover under the care of my family. I had all these weird autoimmune symptoms and ended up staying for seven long months. I thought I was only staying for a couple of weeks at the most. During those months, I worked out and sweated it out, changed my diet completely, and rebuilt my foundation. I tackled the root causes of my health issues through trial and error without relying on prescriptions and temporary solutions. I also made painful visits to the past and faced my childhood traumas. It was some of the most emotionally difficult, lonely, and uncomfortable times of my life.
A year ago today, I was involved with a man who questioned my worth like no other. With him, I applied the lessons I’d learned from facing my parent wound head-on. In the brief period with him, I finally realized that what I knew to be okay wasn’t okay. This involved unlearning and re-learning of my lifelong beliefs. I was so overwhelmed once I reached the revelation that I couldn’t do anything for a month. I needed to heal. That was heavy but necessary.
Today, I am looking back at the past five years of my life. I am thankful for all the things I got to enjoy, experience, and overcome. I feel light, optimistic, and peaceful. I know that I earned this peace. I faced my demons. I didn’t run away from what scared me. I love the person I’m becoming. I love discovering unexplored parts of myself. I keep shedding and evolving.