I had social anxiety as a low teen.

I started experiencing it after one of the biggest tragedies of my life.

There was a boy I was into. He was the captain of my school’s soccer team. Athletic, charismatic, and flamboyant. Beautiful hair, full lips, husky voice. He had strong thighs and calves like a proper soccer player. He wore a navy and orange Le Coq track jacket to his practice. He looked like young Gael Garcia Bernal, but East Asian. I was in love with him.

He became my boyfriend for like 2 months. It felt like heaven. We would go to the local mall for dates. He would walk me home from school, and we held hands. We planned our first kiss over the phone and made it happen the next day. Such little nerds! I never wanted it to end.

Then all of a sudden, he told me that he liked one of my girlfriends and he couldn’t be my boyfriend anymore.

Every day felt like darkness. It went from romantic to hopeless in no time. What even is the point of living, said my 12-year-old self. I’d never ever experienced that kind of pain before. I liked him so so much, yet I couldn’t have him. It was excruciating.

I don’t remember much from the following two years. I have no memories from the period actually. I was legitimately traumatized. It was shocking to my whole system and altered my way of being. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes I suffered.

Up until the boy came into my life and left, I was quite extroverted. Vocal, outgoing, and social. I loved to be around people and especially to talk to people. The experience completely changed me, and it took me a few years to sufficiently recover. I honestly feel like I’m still making my way back to the old me.

#stories #love #healing

It’s 9:30 pm on December 31, 2023. I’m so done with 2023. It was not a fun year for me. It was rather a year of restoration, rediscovery, and preparation.

I still wanted to reflect on and list all the good things I did for myself before the year ends.

• strength training and hot yoga
• improved headstand and other inversion poses
• improved flexibility and mobility
• stretching rituals every morning
• more meditation
• more walks
• more time alone
• daily and nightly journaling
• dream journaling
• painting as a way of visual journaling
• framed and hung my art
• started offering intuitive healing
• shared my writing more openly
• started acting on intuition
• spoke kindly to myself and others
• spoke honestly with my parents
• spoke less and listened more
• better boundaries to protect my energy and peace
• stopped talking to flaky friends
• went to bed earlier
• slept more
• quit alcohol
• quit coffee
• quit cannabis
• quit refined sugar
• quit heavily processed foods
• quit seed oils
• ate mostly organic
• ate more red and organ meats to rebuild the foundation
• intuitive eating
• stopped buying paper towels and cleaning products
• got rid of toxic nonstick cooking pots and pans
• parchment paper instead of foil
• glass instead of plastic
• read and listened to books and talks relevant to where i am in life
• was selective about what sources of entertainment to consume
• sold my tv
• took better care of plants
• fixed basic home repairs on my own
• got sun on me during the day
• simplified skin/body care routine and products
• stopped wearing makeup regularly
• wore more cotton and natural fabric for underwear and clothes
• got rid of lots of physical clutter at home
• got rid of most of my fashion jewelry and only kept what i love
• decorated my place only with items i love

#updates #healing

A shaman I met in Central America once told me that one of my biggest challenges would be to single out what my gift and purpose are.

He said because I’m skilled at so many things on an exceptional level, people are going to project their ideas onto me in regards to what I should do or who I should become.

When I heard that, it brought me a big sense of relief. It’s true, I’m naturally good at many things. But that doesn’t mean I want to pursue all of them.

This entire year, I’ve been a hermit. I shut down a lot of outside influences and tried my best to get to know me again.

I’ve learned that I don’t need much to be happy and content as long as I have my health and my own company, I must protect myself around those who are energy drainers while staying open and kind, and that I don’t like a lot of things I used to think I did.

And I have a deep inner knowing. My soul is very, very old.

#healing

I hear a calling Through my left ear I feel their presence They talk to me

The shamanic psychic who was loved by her children and grandchildren

The community leader who created a safe space for the neighborhood outcasts

The vivacious spiritual nomad who raised the secret love child of her lousy brother

The larger-than-life lover who cared for everyone who had the pleasure of entering her life

The misunderstood wanna-be actress who died angry at the world

These are women in my lineage

I know I am connected I know I am protected I am deeply rooted

I am a sum of these women Everything that they were Everything they wished to be.

#healing #ancestors

Out of darkness Into the light Are we ready?

Photo by Aiman A.

#healing #vibes

I’m purified  I’m restored I’m inspired  I’m calmed I’m invigorated

Nothing comes close  To its healing power  To its magic

I can breathe now

#healing #love #vibes

#healing #poems #vibes

I was the one who was self-absorbed I was the one who was disconnected I was hurtful I was inconsiderate I was insensitive

I admit it

I am sorry

#healing

It was a chilly winter day. The sky was gloomy and the temperature was low. I met him near the Venice canals just before sunset.

He called himself a scientist from the hood. He really was. He was a lab chemist and grew up in Compton.

It was a second date. We sat at a table in the patio of a Mexican restaurant. He talked about his upbringing in South Central LA and some very complex and sophisticated processes of his work. He showered me with a collection of terminology I’d never heard of. I remember watching the flames in the fire pit and thinking, “I’m lost.” Like, was I just given an episode of podcast about science all to myself? While sipping on a margarita and munching on stale tortilla chips on a cold winter afternoon? Maybe.

My date was polite. There was sweet innocence to his nature. In contrast to his good manners, his body, though compact, had a sturdy athletic build. His hair was as wild as his passion for science. His skin had the kind of darkness only the world's most powerful kings deserve.

We left the restaurant and started walking towards the beach, still hoping to catch the sunset. Then I immediately sensed tension in the air. There was a man coming towards us with no shoes on. He locked his eyes with me. “Oh shit,” I said.

His head was shaved unevenly. His face was covered with dirt and anger that had nowhere to go. He was screaming derogatory words and phrases at everyone who passed him. And now, he’s found another target.

“Fucking chink” he shouted. At me, of course.

The Scientist from the Hood was furious. He acted as if he was the direct receiver of the disrespect. He took it personally, to his heart.

Me, not so much. Actually, not at all. The man with no shoes kept saying horrible, nasty things to me. Even I was surprised that did not affect me. I remained calm the whole time.

Right there at that moment, I remembered the time in college I received a compliment from a man at a grocery store. “You look like Lucy Liu,” he said to me. He meant well, although I look nothing like her. But my younger self was hyper-race-sensitive and believed the praise was culturally inappropriate. I was naive. If it happened to me today, I’d gladly accept the flattery. I mean, Lucy Liu is a gorgeous woman. But back then, I found the man’s innocent yet ignorant comment offensive and took it personally just like my date.

So much has happened to me since college. A few years ago, I decided I was not to take personally of negativity thrown at me by those I don’t respect. It was a conscious decision. The experience with the shoeless man and the reaction of my date only assured me of my growth. I was happy. I was proud of myself.

Needless to say, we split for the day. We never saw the sunset. I drove home drenched in joy, alone.

And I never saw the Scientist from the Hood again. I sincerely hope he’s doing well because I am grateful for the meaningful nuance he added to my epiphany.

#stories #healing

So I’ve been practicing a headstand for a while.

I got back into a regular practice of yoga around 2018 when I moved to a new neighborhood where I found a yoga studio I love. This is in Los Angeles.

I caught covid in late 2022. Then I came home to Japan in order to heal and recover from the serious decline in my health and well-being. I’d been away from my family for 3 years prior.

For the past 6 months, I’ve been practicing the headstand more intensively and intentionally than ever. And yesterday, with my knees bent (baby steps!), I was able to float both of my feet in the air for a few long seconds for the first time.

The headstand was always hard for me for two reasons. One, a lack of strength in my upper body. I’ve been training my upper body and core for this. Two, fear. I couldn’t kick the fear of vertical inversion. Everything about it was terrifying for me. It was psychological. The fear was limiting me, and I hated that.

Something happened to how I handled fear after a certain incident.

Recently, I spoke out against the untouchable masculine in my family. I say it casually, but this was monumental for me and my family, as he’s left immense emotional scars on me and others, for life.

This experience changed something in me. Something popped. I felt a level-up, and it feels fantastic.

Photo by Lauren W.

#healing