she tells me there was a man in her life a long time ago
she loved him with all her heart
but they couldn’t be together
this was before her marriage
the man and grandpa shared the same name
she spent the rest of her life with resentment and anger
and the resentment and anger infected everyone who came into her life and the lives she created
every summer i take two trains to get to her along the coast watching the shimmers on the calm waves soon i will get to her to her warmth her cooking her energy her love
her house is messy the floors greasy with the oil and steam from her constant cooking her constant love heavy love
her house always open women from the neighborhood loud tv snacks on the table in the morning i’m on her bicycle rusty with a pink cover she wears the same hat she rides to the same places peaceful winds on my cheeks on my tanned legs i smell her
she doesn’t ask she just does
i miss her
i miss my grandma
I hear a calling Through my left ear I feel their presence They talk to me
The shamanic psychic who was loved by her children and grandchildren
The community leader who created a safe space for the neighborhood outcasts
The vivacious spiritual nomad who raised the secret love child of her lousy brother
The larger-than-life lover who cared for everyone who had the pleasure of entering her life
The misunderstood wanna-be actress who died angry at the world
These are women in my lineage
I know I am connected I know I am protected I am deeply rooted
I am a sum of these women Everything that they were Everything they wished to be.
She entered the room in a flamboyant manner. Dressed in a marigold color two-piece suit that resembled a noble African tribe chief. It suited her so well, and she looked completely androgynous.
Grandma, from my dream journal.
My great-grandmother was a traveling psychic and a shaman.
I learned this for the first time just when I was about to leave home for the airport to return to LA. I’d been back home in Japan for 7 months for health recovery.
I never got to meet her, my great-grandmother. She was my father’s grandmother. I was told she was loved by her children and grandchildren. She would travel all over her town and perform rituals in people’s homes. She would use drums and other instruments and props as part of her spiritual rituals.
When I learned this, I felt the dots connecting within me. The dots I’ve been collecting as I move through life. They suddenly made sense. It’s in my blood, the gift. I’ve always felt that in my heart. In my soul.
She’s been with me this whole time.