Talk to Fa

“We are in this together” Is that what you came to tell me in my dream?

#art

Destiny Jaimes Carachure, the director of the short film I was in last year, shared the rough cut with me. You can watch it on YouTube.

I’m thankful for this opportunity to explore my hidden side. This was my first time acting, as you can probably tell by my acting (oh well!). I recently wrote about the significance of my involvement in this project. It turned out to be such a fun and healing experience for my ever-so-curious inner child. She needed to come out. It’s funny how an unexpected event can impact my life so tremendously. I love it when dots connect. I’m so grateful to be alive and re-learning about myself through these random creative happenings.

I understand them They don’t understand me I see them They don’t see me I get them They don’t get me

They say “Talking to you is like talking to air” I was being as vulnerable as I could I understood at that moment They are not capable of seeing me For who I am

That’s all I wanted Ever

They enjoy my company But they make me wanna be alone They love talking to me Of course, they do, I am listening the whole time They can be themselves around me I am glad they feel that way I wish I felt the same around them

And they will never know Any of these feelings

You know what I still choose to give Even if they don’t register that as giving To them, giving involves something tangible Something monetary Something you can only see with the eyes Something you can measure

There’s all sorts of giving Everyone is different Every single person born in this world Came with a unique role I am starting to understand mine I understand theirs, too

I accept my role I am still gonna be me.

If not me, then who?

I can’t help but wonder what it would be like  if he weren’t in my life  if he were a loving person if he had the emotional capacity to receive me 

I wonder what it would be like  if I could cut a tie with him if I didn’t have to be on the receiving end of  the manipulation and the projection

I wish I could wipe all that off my memory and from my subconscious 

I wonder how I would have turned out  if he weren’t jealous of what I had that he didn’t have if he didn’t stop me from being who I am  and instead, if he just believed in me and supported me loudly and lovingly

I wonder…

I am an empath and an eternal optimist. I am a lover and a hopeful romantic. I’m a third-culture kid. I speak multiple languages and resonate with various cultures. I am the oldest sibling and a black sheep of the family. I am here to break the generational cycle. I practice holistic wellness and approach food as medicine. I used to be married to a wonderful man from a very different upbringing and cultural background. I am a creative professional with 15 years of experience in branding and design. I co-founded a startup and built the brand from scratch. I am an artist at heart, and in life. I am a yogi. I am an old soul. I am everything my ancestors wished me to be.

I love the sun. I love the color orange. I love the trees. I love the red rocks. I love the American Southwest. I love baths, saunas, and steam rooms. I love the hot springs that I grew up with. I love the smell of tropical humidity. I love being at an airport. I love asking a server to surprise me with a dish of their choice. I love surprises. I love pineapples and watermelon. I love pho. I love cats. I’ve never been to Egypt but I feel nostalgic about it. I love slow train travel. I love going on a walk with no plan. I love driving for hours by myself. I love good conversations with my close friends. I love making love. I love to cook for myself and others. I love writing as I get lost in time, and I have so much to share. I love me.

— From the recently updated About Me page.

Words are useless.

#art

I’d just finished my potato samosas and baingan bharta. It hit the spot. So delicious and tasteful. I was surprised I was the only customer. Maybe it was too expensive for the locals.

I didn’t mind. I had the whole place to myself. After the meal, I sipped my chai and chatted with the host. I tried speaking to her in Spanish, but she responded in English. She was lovely. Her husband was the chef. He’d relocated from Northern India only a few months prior.

Halfway into the chai, I felt a visceral shift in the air. Two men had walked in. The entrance went like slo-mo. The younger man walked past my table and looked into my eyes. It was the most steady gaze I’d ever seen. Our eyes were locked. I couldn’t escape it. I seriously wondered if his eyes were made of seawater from different oceans. In those brief seconds, I began to remember things from the past that didn’t happen in this lifetime. Something much older. I didn’t know that was possible. I was experiencing this inexplicable nostalgia for his eyes.

The younger man joined his friend at a table next to mine. There were many tables, and all of them were empty. I found their choice odd, but maybe they were regulars, and it was their lucky table. I was the visitor after all. As I signed the check, they ordered a few items with the host woman. I was about to leave.

The older man asked me if I was local. I knew they were going to talk to me. I was going through difficult times back then (hence the travel), and I was more alert than usual. To my surprise, I felt relaxed by his presence. My guard was down. The conversation flowed.

The older man had soft, silver hair, with an even softer smile. There was something androgynous about him. Gentle, surreal, otherworldly, with a hint of madness. He was unlike any man I’d met. His body language was refined and open. Next to him, the younger man looked like an anxious little lamb with those big curious marine-like eyes. He was quiet during the conversation. I thought they were a father and a son.

Until they arrived, I’d made myself at home in the restaurant. I filled the space with my sole energy. The space was now transformed into something else. Something shared, with a quirky mix of tension, familiarity, and the kind of mutual understanding that I’d just learned existed.

“You are ready to enter the next phase of your journey,” said the older man. All my life, I’d been collecting dots unknowingly, from different experiences and lessons. When he said that, those sporadic dots connected inside me. I felt that. It was the first time I innately understood spirituality. Oh wow, I’d been a spiritual being this whole time.

The older man didn’t know anything about my circumstances. I didn’t tell him anything personal, actually. He knew. I got that because I have that in me, too. The intuition. The inner knowing. Being in his presence woke up that part of me.

When we parted, along with many other things, he told me, “You were born to save this planet.” I was overwhelmed and stressed by the comment. Legitimately. At the same time, it felt so right and so wrong, and I was scared and excited. I didn’t know what to make of it. I wanted to cool my head. I took the longer route back to my hotel, slowly walking through the small streets, vendors, tourists, and marimba performers at the plaza (actual audio recording below).

When I finally returned to my room, I collapsed into the bed and stared at the ceiling for hours.

Most people are strangers  But you My soul knew you already.

#art