The day of sexual misconduct
I was driving alone on the Pacific Coast Highway towards Santa Monica. The sun was setting on my right. Thick clouds had darkened the sky. The traffic was moving extra slow due to the fire damage. I was feeling this inexplicable ickiness all over my body and in my bones. I was feeling disappointed, frustrated, and sad in a way I’d never felt before. This was a brand new feeling. My heart was sinking deeper with each breath. I couldn’t reach the girlfriends I normally rely on via phone calls. I was crying. I’d just left a beautiful oceanfront home where I experienced sexual misconduct for the first time in my life.
I never thought, out of all the people I know, I would be the one experiencing something like this. I’ve always had a good people sense and sharp discernment. I can usually tell who’s real and who’s not. But this time, I was wrong.
To clarify, I was not pressured to have sex with this person. I received unwanted physical contact repeatedly, despite my verbal and nonverbal cues. My verbal boundary was very, very clear, and I intentionally kept a healthy distance from him when he was with me. But he was drinking the whole time and kept ignoring my boundaries. It’s possible he kept forgetting them due to the intoxication. I was surprised by how a person can misread cues that drastically. What I thought was obvious wasn’t obvious to him.
I tend to see the good in people, and my curiosity is always on fire. My usually positive traits got me in trouble this time. It’s fascinating how two people can see the situation so differently. This one was tricky because one was drunk, and one was completely sober. I drank water and non-alcoholic beverages throughout that day. He told me he was not an alcoholic, but it felt as if he could only relax and be comfortable with me while intoxicated. I grew up around alcoholic family members. They always say they are not an alcoholic. Anyway, he was stunned by the fact that I was content and relaxed with just water. We were on two completely different frequencies.
When I first met this person, I sensed his kind and genuine spirit. I never felt sexual or romantic attraction towards him, but I grew curious to get to know him as a person, as a friend. You might think I am naive, but I wholeheartedly believe in meaningful platonic connections. At that time, he seemed like a good vibe, as cliché as it sounds. But people are complex. They come with layers. And booze reveals a lot about the person.
When I finally reached home that night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about what went wrong and what I could have done to avoid the situation. I was already feeling so shitty, yet I kept blaming myself for the horrible experience. This is why so many women, and men, don’t come forward in situations like this. Finally, around 4 AM, I decided to draft a message to him. I described how the day went from my perspective. I expressed how the lack of his awareness and respect for my boundaries made me feel. I sent the message to him early in the morning.
He responded shortly. He apologized for the way I felt, but he claimed he did not touch me inappropriately. He thought we had such a nice day and was upset that this was my takeaway. He added that we are too different, which I agree with, ironically, in many ways.
His response left me speechless. But sadly, I was not surprised.
