Talk to Fa

I am currently processing a lot of anger. Delayed anger. I’m realizing I’ve dealt with many people, especially men, who played the victim. They saw my kindness and generosity. They knew I had the capacity to give and love unconditionally. They couldn’t deal with their own anger, pain, trauma, and insecurities. Instead, they pushed all that onto me. And I took it like my own. I felt responsible for their blame. I allowed that for such a long time, without recognizing that it was they who should have owned and faced their darkness. The whole time, all I felt for them was sympathy and compassion. I am not doing that anymore. Anger isn’t an emotion I often feel. It’s rather new for me. But I’m letting myself feel it deeply and unapologetically.

For me, it’s more about being than doing.

Are their eyes, voice, and energy as beautiful as the words they speak? 

I show up. I do my thing. I make an impact. I leave. Repeat.

It’s been a quiet past few days. I stayed inside all day. I ate food and snacks. I binged a show. I played NYT games. I skipped yoga. I went out for a walk in my Uggs. I rested. I slept. I processed a ton during my sleep, in my dreams. I felt like I was preparing myself for something significant to come towards me. It’s been intense since September. Blessings after blessings. Issues after issues. So many documents and forms. So many people. I’ve been stretched. I learned new solutions to problems I wasn’t even aware of. There were days I almost lost hope. I got so close, only to be let down. I started all over again. My nervous system has been all over the place. Today felt new. The kind of day where my worries were proven wrong. Despite all the change and some serious challenges, miracles are happening to me every single day. I am convinced. I am blessed.

I’ve been a foster parent to many grown-ups.

I have done enough for you. Now, I am going to choose myself.

I don’t have to tell you that I am a healer. If you came in contact with me, with my light and energy, you would just know. I live this life.