On a Mission
I am in the backseat of a Porsche, inside a large warehouse. The place feels like a corn maze, but made with concrete instead. The car is driving itself and about to make a left turn. I quickly hop in the empty driver’s seat, but the seat is pushed way back, to the point my legs can’t reach the pedals. I panic. We are going to crash. Despite my worries, the car turns perfectly, maneuvering carefully and beautifully in the tight space.
I am sitting in my comfy lounge chair on the balcony. The kind that reclines horizontally. I love that chair. I hear the birds chirping. Jacaranda flowers are blooming. The air is crisp after a brief moment of rain. The sun is high and hot. There’s no single cloud in the blue sky. I hear kids and adults playing soccer on the grass. My sheer curtains are dancing in the gentle breeze. Neighbors’ wind chimes are ringing softly. I’m wearing a white cotton tank, feeling the warm sun and the cool winds on my skin. My bee sting from Wednesday is healing okay. I’d just baked banana bread for me and a friend. She’s on her way. My door is unlocked to let her in. My room is filled with the sweet aroma. I’m just gonna sit in the sun until she arrives. I am journaling about the dream I saw last night. I’ve been having lots of vivid dreams lately. I sip on mint tea and take a deep breath. It smells like the beginning of summer, of something new and extraordinary.
I lost a piece of myself every time you left I had no idea when I would see you next You left me hanging and kept me in the dark The loss, the pain, the void, the yearning It was all too excruciating I couldn’t bear it Nobody had made me feel this way
We were home to each other Then the next moment, we were strangers We never got a chance to get close Our story didn’t even begin Every time we connected, we started all over again
A few years passed I read the lyrics of the song you liked Something clicked inside of me The way you made me feel The loss, the pain, the void, the yearning It was how you felt growing up With those who were supposed to love and care for you
You taught me it was okay to feel You showed me what it was like to miss someone I didn’t know I could miss another person But you are not just another person You are me And I am you
I turned on the AC for the first time today. It reached 36°C and 96°F where I live in Los Angeles. I love the smell of the AC. It’s giving that early summer vibe. Longer days. Bright sun. Magical glow of the golden hour. The AC smell takes me back to all my summer memories and makes me feel excited and hopeful for what’s coming this summer.
I love summer so much. I can’t wait to swim in the ocean. I can’t wait to visit my favorite rocks. I can’t wait to travel to places I’ve never been but always felt close to. I can’t wait to eat watermelon with my bare hands. I can’t wait for my skin to get darker. I can’t wait to sleep naked.
I am going to be out, seen, and meet more people. I will receive rewards and blessings for all the work I’ve put into myself. I will see my gifts and talents converted into money. I will have new experiences beyond my imagination. I am going to have fun!
I am part of a small band. I’m the singer. Others are reading music and playing their instruments. They follow the score and practice their craft. I, on the other hand, cannot find my sheet music. The sheet has the lyrics for me to sing. What am I supposed to sing if I don’t know the words?
My life comes with no script. I am the creator. I write the things I want to say. I write the scenarios I want to live. I choose the people I like. I do what feels fun and right for me.
We buy things we don’t need We drive cars we can’t afford We go to places social media says are cool We invest in neighborhoods we don’t resonate with We do drugs to feel better for the moment We drink alcohol to forget We consume destructive music and entertainment We date people we don’t love We stay friends with people who flake on us We eat food with no nutritional value We eat “healthy” food unfit for our designs We overwork to avoid facing ourselves We stay in careers we think we should be in We escape to exotic destinations We stay busy to feel important We spend our time and energy on the wrong people We blame our problems on other people We hold on to our outdated beliefs really hard
Then we hit rock bottom
We realize we are not well We have no idea who we are None of these external factors makes us happy We can’t keep escaping We can’t keep going like this anymore
This is when we break
Everything we’ve held on to no longer works We experience a massive amount of loss In relationships, health, jobs, and things we own
The loss ends up working in our favor It’s spring cleaning time Everything that holds us back, is out To create more space for new things to enter
We encounter people who challenge and test us They are here to urge our growth We encounter people who instantly feel like family They are here to remind us we are not alone in our journeys And that we deserve to love and be loved
We finally start facing ourselves It’s uncomfortable But we can’t go back We have no other choice So we keep going inward The darkness of the tunnel feels like forever
Then we start seeing the light We start remembering who we are Who we want to be Who we don’t want to be moving forward What we like What we don’t like
We realize all our problems stem from our childhoods We revisit our painful pasts We work through them with grace and courage This time, we got this Our awareness is on another level We’ve been collecting the dots this whole time We finally get to connect them It’s time to feel whole
We’ve reached the state of inner peace We accept where we are and who we are We accept the painful pasts We accept the wrongdoings of other people We see ourselves in others We surrender and love
Our journeys continue.
I am swimming back and forth between loving unconditionally and admitting that I no longer feel fulfilled by some people in my life.
I thought I’d let go a lot. Then people from way back return to my life. There’s part of me that genuinely longs for those good times we shared together.
Memories. History. Secrets. Inside jokes. References. Conflicts. Laughs. Trips. Long conversations.
I fill our time together with what’s familiar. It’s fun for a while, and I find myself feeling guilty. Because I need more.
