This morning, I woke up in tears. I’d already been crying in my dream.
In the dream, I was sitting across from my family at a long table, lined with crisp white linen. Me on one side, them on the other side. It felt like me against them. We were in a dining car on a train. The train was running along the coast. Outside the train was a beautiful, peaceful scene. Inside the train, my family was shouting at me. They were saying harsh, heartless things to me, just as they sometimes used to do in the waking life. They took out hefty cooking knives. One by one, they started throwing them at me. “You are crazy!” I shouted at them as I kept dodging the knives in the air. They continued to throw more knives at me. I begged them to stop, but they weren’t listening. They were too busy throwing knives at me.
When I woke up, I felt just… incredibly sad. I was coming to terms with the hurt I felt all my life. I carried their emotional burden on my shoulders. I tolerated their projected pain and anger. These are the things I kept brushing off growing up because I didn’t want to see my family as villains, and I somehow thought I deserved such treatment.
The other day, I heard someone say that most of us don’t hurt each other on purpose. I felt that. My family didn’t intend to hurt me, I’m sure, or I hope. But the damage was made in me. Words were said to me. The dream forced me to relive and feel all those difficult emotions that I didn’t get to accept and feel when I first experienced them. This time, I knew I wasn’t responsible for their emotions. This time, I wasn’t going to protect their feelings over my own.
I stayed in bed for a while to process the dream. I felt more tears in my eyes. I cried a bit more.
I am in the backseat of a Porsche, inside a large warehouse. The place feels like a corn maze, but made with concrete instead. The car is driving itself and about to make a left turn. I quickly hop in the empty driver’s seat, but the seat is pushed way back, to the point my legs can’t reach the pedals. I panic. We are going to crash. Despite my worries, the car turns perfectly, maneuvering carefully and beautifully in the tight space.
I am sitting in my comfy lounge chair on the balcony. The kind that reclines horizontally. I love that chair. I hear the birds chirping. Jacaranda flowers are blooming. The air is crisp after a brief moment of rain. The sun is high and hot. There’s no single cloud in the blue sky. I hear kids and adults playing soccer on the grass. My sheer curtains are dancing in the gentle breeze. Neighbors’ wind chimes are ringing softly. I’m wearing a white cotton tank, feeling the warm sun and the cool winds on my skin. My bee sting from Wednesday is healing okay. I’d just baked banana bread for me and a friend. She’s on her way. My door is unlocked to let her in. My room is filled with the sweet aroma. I’m just gonna sit in the sun until she arrives. I am journaling about the dream I saw last night. I’ve been having lots of vivid dreams lately. I sip on mint tea and take a deep breath. It smells like the beginning of summer, of something new and extraordinary.
I lost a piece of myself every time you left
I had no idea when I would see you next
You left me hanging and kept me in the dark
The loss, the pain, the void, the yearning
It was all too excruciating
I couldn’t bear it
Nobody had made me feel this way
We were home to each other
Then the next moment, we were strangers
We never got a chance to get close
Our story didn’t even begin
Every time we connected, we started all over again
A few years passed
I read the lyrics of the song you liked
Something clicked inside of me
The way you made me feel
The loss, the pain, the void, the yearning
It was how you felt growing up
With those who were supposed to love and care for you
You taught me it was okay to feel
You showed me what it was like to miss someone
I didn’t know I could miss another person
But you are not just another person
You are me
And I am you
I turned on the AC for the first time today. It reached 36°C and 96°F where I live in Los Angeles. I love the smell of the AC. It’s giving that early summer vibe. Longer days. Bright sun. Magical glow of the golden hour. The AC smell takes me back to all my summer memories and makes me feel excited and hopeful for what’s coming this summer.
I love summer so much. I can’t wait to swim in the ocean. I can’t wait to visit my favorite rocks. I can’t wait to travel to places I’ve never been but always felt close to. I can’t wait to eat watermelon with my bare hands. I can’t wait for my skin to get darker. I can’t wait to sleep naked.
I am going to be out, seen, and meet more people. I will receive rewards and blessings for all the work I’ve put into myself. I will see my gifts and talents converted into money. I will have new experiences beyond my imagination. I am going to have fun!
I am part of a small band. I’m the singer. Others are reading music and playing their instruments. They follow the score and practice their craft. I, on the other hand, cannot find my sheet music. The sheet has the lyrics for me to sing. What am I supposed to sing if I don’t know the words?
My life comes with no script. I am the creator. I write the things I want to say. I write the scenarios I want to live. I choose the people I like. I do what feels fun and right for me.
