All my life, I have been searching for a teacher, mentor, role model, and inspiration
I could only find guidance in nature, not in human form
The trees listen to me
The water purifies me
The sun heals and vitalizes me
The moon allows me to reflect
The rocks connect me to my ancient memories
No human could help me
And then I realized I was the teacher
I was the mentor
I was the role model and the inspiration.
These days, I feel like Iām losing things left and right. Physical goods are breaking. People are leaving. I keep selling and eliminating stuff from my space. I donāt know whatās coming next, but all these losses feel right. Somehow, they make sense.
I transcribe what my heart is feeling into words
I donāt think
I feel
I express
Unedited
Unmanicured
I give it to you straight
Itās raw, how I do it
Itās honest
Itās too unbelievable and pure
For those who said to me
āYou are all talk.ā
What I thought I wanted
What I thought I needed
What I didnāt know I wanted
What I didnāt know I needed
Do I really want to do that?
Do I want to be that?
Do I want to stay this way?
Or that way?
How about all of that?
Or none of that?
Who even is this person?
Me, Iām talking about me
My ideas and perspective
Cultivated from birth to now
They are popping up in my dreams
In my thoughts
In conversations
Deep in my subconscious
Like, āHey, we are in you!ā
They are evolving and shifting
And they are dissolving
This feels unfamiliar
Yet incredibly natural
Where have I been this whole time?
Itās time to get used to this newness.
People come and go. Some stay through thick and thin. Some leave to work on themselves and their unfinished business. Some want to give me space. Very often, itās simply that our time is up. We no longer resonate with each other. And thatās okay. We are all on our paths. We are just doing our best with what we know.
Eventually, many of them come back. They want to pick up where we left off. They want to apologize for disappearing. They want to defend themselves. They want a closure. They want a new beginning.
Reconciliations are interesting. I welcome them. The reason is this: Iām fascinated by how we evolve and grow when separated from those we used to have a tie with. Itās amazing how much we can change if we move with intention. Such change is totally possible. Iāve done it. People close to me have done it. Sometimes, the only way to our truth is through detaching ourselves from outside influences and tending to our needs in solitude. How can we see things clearly when our world and perspective are chaotic and clouded?
It also stuns me how little some of us change. Or should I rephrase, how some of us refuse to change. These people often seek external validation for their happiness and fulfillment. They want to feel needed and loved. Itās very human. We all want to be loved. But when the need is excessive, it creates a toxic, helpless loop that never ends. Itās painful to watch, especially when itās someone we care about.
Destiny Jaimes Carachure, the director of the short film I was in last year, shared the rough cut with me. You can watch it on YouTube.
Iām thankful for this opportunity to explore my hidden side. This was my first time acting, as you can probably tell by my acting (oh well!). I recently wrote about the significance of my involvement in this project. It turned out to be such a fun and healing experience for my ever-so-curious inner child. She needed to come out. Itās funny how an unexpected event can impact my life so tremendously. I love it when dots connect. Iām so grateful to be alive and re-learning about myself through these random creative happenings.
I understand them
They donāt understand me
I see them
They donāt see me
I get them
They donāt get me
They say
āTalking to you is like talking to airā
I was being as vulnerable as I could
I understood at that moment
They are not capable of seeing me
For who I am
Thatās all I wanted
Ever
They enjoy my company
But they make me wanna be alone
They love talking to me
Of course, they do, I am listening the whole time
They can be themselves around me
I am glad they feel that way
I wish I felt the same around them
And they will never know
Any of these feelings
You know what
I still choose to give
Even if they donāt register that as giving
To them, giving involves something tangible
Something monetary
Something you can only see with the eyes
Something you can measure
Thereās all sorts of giving
Everyone is different
Every single person born in this world
Came with a unique role
I am starting to understand mine
I understand theirs, too