Sunday afternoon in May
I am sitting in my comfy lounge chair on the balcony. The kind that reclines horizontally. I love that chair. I hear the birds chirping. Jacaranda flowers are blooming. The air is crisp after a brief moment of rain. The sun is high and hot. There’s no single cloud in the blue sky. I hear kids and adults playing soccer on the grass. My sheer curtains are dancing in the gentle breeze. Neighbors’ wind chimes are ringing softly. I’m wearing a white cotton tank, feeling the warm sun and the cool winds on my skin. My bee sting from Wednesday is healing okay. I’d just baked banana bread for me and a friend. She’s on her way. My door is unlocked to let her in. My room is filled with the sweet aroma. I’m just gonna sit in the sun until she arrives. I am journaling about the dream I saw last night. I’ve been having lots of vivid dreams lately. I sip on mint tea and take a deep breath. It smells like the beginning of summer, of something new and extraordinary.
Love
I lost a piece of myself every time you left I had no idea when I would see you next You left me hanging and kept me in the dark The loss, the pain, the void, the yearning It was all too excruciating I couldn’t bear it Nobody had made me feel this way
We were home to each other Then the next moment, we were strangers We never got a chance to get close Our story didn’t even begin Every time we connected, we started all over again
A few years passed I read the lyrics of the song you liked Something clicked inside of me The way you made me feel The loss, the pain, the void, the yearning It was how you felt growing up With those who were supposed to love and care for you
You taught me it was okay to feel You showed me what it was like to miss someone I didn’t know I could miss another person But you are not just another person You are me And I am you
Life without a script
I am part of a small band. I’m the singer. Others are reading music and playing their instruments. They follow the score and practice their craft. I, on the other hand, cannot find my sheet music. The sheet has the lyrics for me to sing. What am I supposed to sing if I don’t know the words?
My life comes with no script. I am the creator. I write the things I want to say. I write the scenarios I want to live. I choose the people I like. I do what feels fun and right for me.
What a healing journey is like
We buy things we don’t need We drive cars we can’t afford We go to places social media says are cool We invest in neighborhoods we don’t resonate with We do drugs to feel better for the moment We drink alcohol to forget We consume destructive music and entertainment We date people we don’t love We stay friends with people who flake on us We eat food with no nutritional value We eat “healthy” food unfit for our designs We overwork to avoid facing ourselves We stay in careers we think we should be in We escape to exotic destinations We stay busy to feel important We spend our time and energy on the wrong people We blame our problems on other people We hold on to our outdated beliefs really hard
Then we hit rock bottom
We realize we are not well We have no idea who we are None of these external factors makes us happy We can’t keep escaping We can’t keep going like this anymore
This is when we break
Everything we’ve held on to no longer works We experience a massive amount of loss In relationships, health, jobs, and things we own
The loss ends up working in our favor It’s spring cleaning time Everything that holds us back, is out To create more space for new things to enter
We encounter people who challenge and test us They are here to urge our growth We encounter people who instantly feel like family They are here to remind us we are not alone in our journeys And that we deserve to love and be loved
We finally start facing ourselves It’s uncomfortable But we can’t go back We have no other choice So we keep going inward The darkness of the tunnel feels like forever
Then we start seeing the light We start remembering who we are Who we want to be Who we don’t want to be moving forward What we like What we don’t like
We realize all our problems stem from our childhoods We revisit our painful pasts We work through them with grace and courage This time, we got this Our awareness is on another level We’ve been collecting the dots this whole time We finally get to connect them It’s time to feel whole
We’ve reached the state of inner peace We accept where we are and who we are We accept the painful pasts We accept the wrongdoings of other people We see ourselves in others We surrender and love
Our journeys continue.
Just surrender
Evolve
Every night, I look at pictures taken a year ago today, two years ago today, three years ago today, and so on.
Five years ago today, my hands were covered in oozing eczema caused by a combination of anxiety, extreme stress, and an imbalanced diet. I was pouring all of my energy into things that weren’t mine. I was depressed and burned out. I was frustrated. I didn’t know who I was. I kept convincing myself, “This is what I want.” It wasn’t. By the end of that year, my ex-husband and I started living separately. We’d been together for fourteen years.
Four years ago today, I hiked to the summit of the Acatenango volcano in Guatemala and saw the sunrise. It was cold, misty, and unbelievably majestic. The climb was brutal because of the loose volcanic gravel. You take three steps forward and two steps back. My intuition had told me I needed to do something physically challenging to reach a particular realization, and I did. A couple of weeks later, I finally had the courage to tell my ex I wanted a divorce.
Three years ago today, I was healing from a sliced finger and a broken heart. I was supposed to meet and have a conversation with someone significant to me. The night before the alleged convo, I sliced my finger while cooking and spent all night at the ER. The incident must have been an ominous premonition. The conversation didn’t happen, leaving me saddened, unfulfilled, and unsettled.
Two years ago today, I’d been back home in Japan for two months. I caught COVID in late 2022 and needed to heal and recover under the care of my family. I had all these weird autoimmune symptoms and ended up staying for seven long months. I thought I was only staying for a couple of weeks at the most. During those months, I worked out and sweated it out, changed my diet completely, and rebuilt my foundation. I tackled the root causes of my health issues through trial and error without relying on prescriptions and temporary solutions. I also made painful visits to the past and faced my childhood traumas. It was some of the most emotionally difficult, lonely, and uncomfortable times of my life.
A year ago today, I was involved with a man who questioned my worth like no other. With him, I applied the lessons I’d learned from facing my parent wound head-on. In the brief period with him, I finally realized that what I knew to be okay wasn’t okay. This involved unlearning and re-learning of my lifelong beliefs. I was so overwhelmed once I reached the revelation that I couldn’t do anything for a month. I needed to heal. That was heavy but necessary.
Today, I am looking back at the past five years of my life. I am thankful for all the things I got to enjoy, experience, and overcome. I feel light, optimistic, and peaceful. I know that I earned this peace. I faced my demons. I didn’t run away from what scared me. I love the person I’m becoming. I love discovering unexplored parts of myself. I keep shedding and evolving.
Guidance
All my life, I have been searching for a teacher, mentor, role model, and inspiration I could only find guidance in nature, not in human form The trees listen to me The water purifies me The sun heals and vitalizes me The moon allows me to reflect The rocks connect me to my ancient memories No human could help me And then I realized I was the teacher I was the mentor I was the role model and the inspiration.
It
You either get it or don’t
You could have read thousands of books and listened to all the talks and lectures
You could have all the money in the world Having successful careers and businesses
You could be a teacher or a professor At institutions that leave people in awe
And still don’t get it
Because you either get it or don’t There’s no in-between.
“Speech Therapist” rough cut
Destiny Jaimes Carachure, the director of the short film I was in last year, shared the rough cut with me. You can watch it on YouTube.
I’m thankful for this opportunity to explore my hidden side. This was my first time acting, as you can probably tell by my acting (oh well!). I recently wrote about the significance of my involvement in this project. It turned out to be such a fun and healing experience for my ever-so-curious inner child. She needed to come out. It’s funny how an unexpected event can impact my life so tremendously. I love it when dots connect. I’m so grateful to be alive and re-learning about myself through these random creative happenings.