Evolve
Every night, I look at pictures taken a year ago today, two years ago today, three years ago today, and so on.
Five years ago today, my hands were covered in oozing eczema caused by a combination of anxiety, extreme stress, and an imbalanced diet. I was pouring all of my energy into things that weren’t mine. I was depressed and burned out. I was frustrated. I didn’t know who I was. I kept convincing myself, “This is what I want.” It wasn’t. By the end of that year, my ex-husband and I started living separately. We’d been together for fourteen years.
Four years ago today, I hiked to the summit of the Acatenango volcano in Guatemala and saw the sunrise. It was cold, misty, and unbelievably majestic. The climb was brutal because of the loose volcanic gravel. You take three steps forward and two steps back. My intuition had told me I needed to do something physically challenging to reach a particular realization, and I did. A couple of weeks later, I finally had the courage to tell my ex I wanted a divorce.
Three years ago today, I was healing from a sliced finger and a broken heart. I was supposed to meet and have a conversation with someone significant to me. The night before the alleged convo, I sliced my finger while cooking and spent all night at the ER. The incident must have been an ominous premonition. The conversation didn’t happen, leaving me saddened, unfulfilled, and unsettled.
Two years ago today, I’d been back home in Japan for two months. I caught COVID in late 2022 and needed to heal and recover under the care of my family. I had all these weird autoimmune symptoms and ended up staying for seven long months. I thought I was only staying for a couple of weeks at the most. During those months, I worked out and sweated it out, changed my diet completely, and rebuilt my foundation. I tackled the root causes of my health issues through trial and error without relying on prescriptions and temporary solutions. I also made painful visits to the past and faced my childhood traumas. It was some of the most emotionally difficult, lonely, and uncomfortable times of my life.
A year ago today, I was involved with a man who questioned my worth like no other. With him, I applied the lessons I’d learned from facing my parent wound head-on. In the brief period with him, I finally realized that what I knew to be okay wasn’t okay. This involved unlearning and re-learning of my lifelong beliefs. I was so overwhelmed once I reached the revelation that I couldn’t do anything for a month. I needed to heal. That was heavy but necessary.
Today, I am looking back at the past five years of my life. I am thankful for all the things I got to enjoy, experience, and overcome. I feel light, optimistic, and peaceful. I know that I earned this peace. I faced my demons. I didn’t run away from what scared me. I love the person I’m becoming. I love discovering unexplored parts of myself. I keep shedding and evolving.
Guidance
All my life, I have been searching for a teacher, mentor, role model, and inspiration I could only find guidance in nature, not in human form The trees listen to me The water purifies me The sun heals and vitalizes me The moon allows me to reflect The rocks connect me to my ancient memories No human could help me And then I realized I was the teacher I was the mentor I was the role model and the inspiration.
It
You either get it or don’t
You could have read thousands of books and listened to all the talks and lectures
You could have all the money in the world Having successful careers and businesses
You could be a teacher or a professor At institutions that leave people in awe
And still don’t get it
Because you either get it or don’t There’s no in-between.
“Speech Therapist” rough cut
Destiny Jaimes Carachure, the director of the short film I was in last year, shared the rough cut with me. You can watch it on YouTube.
I’m thankful for this opportunity to explore my hidden side. This was my first time acting, as you can probably tell by my acting (oh well!). I recently wrote about the significance of my involvement in this project. It turned out to be such a fun and healing experience for my ever-so-curious inner child. She needed to come out. It’s funny how an unexpected event can impact my life so tremendously. I love it when dots connect. I’m so grateful to be alive and re-learning about myself through these random creative happenings.
I wonder
I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if he weren’t in my life if he were a loving person if he had the emotional capacity to receive me
I wonder what it would be like if I could cut a tie with him if I didn’t have to be on the receiving end of the manipulation and the projection
I wish I could wipe all that off my memory and from my subconscious
I wonder how I would have turned out if he weren’t jealous of what I had that he didn’t have if he didn’t stop me from being who I am and instead, if he just believed in me and supported me loudly and lovingly
I wonder…
I believe it, too
About me, updated
I am an empath and an eternal optimist. I am a lover and a hopeful romantic. I’m a third-culture kid. I speak multiple languages and resonate with various cultures. I am the oldest sibling and a black sheep of the family. I am here to break the generational cycle. I practice holistic wellness and approach food as medicine. I used to be married to a wonderful man from a very different upbringing and cultural background. I am a creative professional with 15 years of experience in branding and design. I co-founded a startup and built the brand from scratch. I am an artist at heart, and in life. I am a yogi. I am an old soul. I am everything my ancestors wished me to be.
I love the sun. I love the color orange. I love the trees. I love the red rocks. I love the American Southwest. I love baths, saunas, and steam rooms. I love the hot springs that I grew up with. I love the smell of tropical humidity. I love being at an airport. I love asking a server to surprise me with a dish of their choice. I love surprises. I love pineapples and watermelon. I love pho. I love cats. I’ve never been to Egypt but I feel nostalgic about it. I love slow train travel. I love going on a walk with no plan. I love driving for hours by myself. I love good conversations with my close friends. I love making love. I love to cook for myself and others. I love writing as I get lost in time, and I have so much to share. I love me.
— From the recently updated About Me page.
Sometimes
A day in Central America
I’d just finished my potato samosas and baingan bharta. It hit the spot. Everything was tasty and satisfying. I was surprised I was the only customer. Maybe it was too expensive for the locals.
I didn’t mind. I had the whole place to myself. After the meal, I sipped my chai and chatted with the host. I tried speaking to her in Spanish, but she responded in English. She was lovely. Her husband was the chef. He’d relocated from Northern India only a few months prior.
Halfway into the chai, I felt a visceral shift in the air. Two men had walked in. The entrance went like slo-mo. The younger man walked past my table and looked into my eyes. It was the most steady gaze I’d ever seen. Our eyes were locked. I couldn’t escape it. I seriously wondered if his eyes were made of seawater from different oceans. In those brief seconds, I began to remember things from the past that didn’t happen in this lifetime. Something much older. I didn’t know that was possible. I was experiencing this inexplicable nostalgia for his eyes.
The younger man joined his friend at a table next to mine. There were many tables, and all of them were empty. I found their choice odd, but maybe they were regulars, and it was their lucky table. I was the visitor after all. As I signed the check, they ordered a few items with the host woman. I was about to leave.
The older man asked me if I was local. I knew they were going to talk to me. I was going through difficult times back then (hence the travel), and I was more alert than usual. To my surprise, I felt relaxed by his presence. My guard was down. The conversation flowed.
The older man had soft, silver hair, with an even softer smile. There was something androgynous about him. Gentle, surreal, otherworldly, with a hint of madness. He was unlike any man I’d met. His body language was refined and open. Next to him, the younger man looked like an anxious little lamb with those big curious marine-like eyes. He was quiet during the conversation. I thought they were a father and a son.
Until they arrived, I’d made myself at home in the restaurant. I filled the space with my sole energy. The space was now transformed into something else. Something shared, with a quirky mix of tension, familiarity, and the kind of mutual understanding that I’d just learned existed.
“You are ready to enter the next phase of your journey,” said the older man. All my life, I’d been collecting dots unknowingly, from different experiences and lessons. When he said that, those sporadic dots connected inside me. I felt that. It was the first time I innately understood spirituality. Oh wow, I’d been a spiritual being this whole time.
The older man didn’t know anything about my circumstances. I didn’t tell him anything personal, actually. He knew. I got that because I have that in me, too. The intuition. The inner knowing. Being in his presence woke up that part of me.
When we parted, along with many other things, he told me, “You were brought here to save this planet.” I was overwhelmed and stressed by the comment. Legitimately. At the same time, it felt so right and so wrong, and I was scared and excited. I didn’t know what to make of it. I wanted to cool my head. I took the longer route back to my hotel, slowly walking through the small streets, vendors, tourists, and marimba performers at the plaza.
When I finally returned to my room, I collapsed into the bed and stared at the ceiling for hours.