Talk to Fa

Be here with me now Not yesterday  Not tomorrow Be with me today Right here, right now.

I was born to find home for my soul

Home is where I want to be Doing what I want to do  How I want to do it  With who I want to be with 

I want to go home

I will find my home. 

I’m lying on my bed on a Wednesday afternoon, feeling cool moist air from the humidifier and licking pink Himalayan salt clusters. My head is dizzy and loopy. There’s tight pressure on my temples and forehead. The more I cough the more sore my throat grows. And I’m on my period.

I feel like I should be miserable, but I am not.

As I spit out mucus for the 38th time today, I am grateful for this forced sacred rest. I’m noticing and appreciating all the little things that keep me comfortable. This is giving me the time to love and care for my body

Since I have an abundance of time, I want to take this opportunity to thank the little things.

Humidifier. I could not have slept last night without you. The smell and feel of humid air remind me of being in Hawaii, and I like that. Thank you for turning the dry LA air moist.

Pink Himalayan salt. Thank you for keeping me hydrated and supplementing me with electrolytes. I have needed more fluids than usual the past few days, and you are very nourishing. I like licking you like candy.

Water. What would I do without you? Thank you for being you. You are absolutely essential to my health and well-being. You are always there. I’m sorry if I ever took you for granted.

Bed. I am glad I washed all your sheets when I still had some energy yesterday. You are pink and linen. You are comfy. You give me a cozy feeling when I need it the most.

Organic cotton socks. Thank you for keeping my feet warm and cool at the same time. How do you even do that? I also like that you are tie-dye.

Laptop. Thank you, especially for the keyboard. I love typing on your keyboard. Sometimes, my thoughts come out so fast that I can’t possibly write them down with a pen. You are a savior.

Orange blue-light glasses. You make my digital experience a bit softer. I thank you for that.

Bluetooth speaker. Thank you for providing me with good sounds of whatever I want to play and listen to. Thank you for your long battery life. Thank you for your 360 Degree Sound feature. You sound great!

Yoga mat. Because of you, I can do the poses to relieve my pains comfortably. Anywhere I am becomes a place of practice, meditation, and solace because of you. Namaste.

Local raw honey. You know I am fasting today to give my body a much-needed rest. I can still get a spoonful of your sunny, golden nectar and feel the joy and nourishment you so effortlessly deliver. I am in awe of your magic.

Organic pineapple juice. You taste like the sun, my element. Thank you for not coming with added sugar. You are a party in my mouth and my gut.

Plants. Having you in my sight gives me peace and a connection to the natural world when I am stuck inside, unable to get the sun outside. It’s nice to be in your presence, my fellow living souls. Thank you for being green.

Essential oils. I love all of you, but I have to give it up for eucalyptus and tea tree for soothing my sinus infection through the diffuser and nasal rinse, and lavender for putting me in euphoria.

Skin and hair. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for the good skin and hair genes. Even sick days are good skin and hair days for me. That’s a win.

Period. Thank you for reminding me that I am a woman.

Creativity. When I’m sick. I tend to get more introspective. My creativity kicks in and pushes me to write more. I am often lost in time. I am grateful for this ability. It connects me to me on a deep level.

Last but not least, I want to thank the rain for blessing our city today.

I’ve burnt many bridges.

Not every single person I meet is meant to stay in my life. Sometimes we overgrow those who we thought were ahead of us – after giving us the lessons we needed at that moment.

The right ones remained. That’s the good news.

You came into my dream the other night  We were at a dessert buffet  You got yourself creamy custard  You were so happy  I got a slice of tres leches with coconut flakes all over it You wanted us to enjoy the treats together  It was so sweet  And peaceful

You come and visit me in my dreams from time to time Telling me what’s going on in your waking life What’s on your mind  How you are feeling

I once said to you ”I can always feel your energy” That never changed  It still is true  You never left my heart.

For the first time, I am learning what it’s like to have people believe in me. I’m sure a lot of people believed in me before, but I didn’t believe them. So this is a very new feeling for me. It feels strange and exciting, and I kinda don’t know what to do with it.

I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to grow up with such an influence. To be seen, accepted, and loved for who I am, as I am, without having to shrink myself and behave in front of adults. This is making me sad!

I am not going to lie, I wish my family had the emotional maturity and capacity to receive me. But the truth is, I feel like an alien when I’m around them. I always felt that way. I just learned to blend in and appear happy on the outside, so they are happy.

When I was 17, I left home to attend high school in a foreign country. Thousands of miles away from where I grew up. I really just wanted to be away from home. Deep in my gut, I knew I couldn’t have reached my authenticity if I were around my family. They didn’t know what to do with me. I had to get me out of there.

Even writing this out loud, I feel a lot of guilt. I’ve come to see and love them for who they are. They love me in ways they know and can. I appreciate that. I am okay with that. I am grateful for that.

Sigh.

You watched me go through a hell of inner work for years. I went to the “places” many wouldn’t have the guts to. I am only now realizing how severe the damage was from everything that happened and everything else I carried on my shoulders for all these years. There was a reason why I had to get lost and wander around many side quests. My life is only now getting started.

That’s all.

I want to share with you what I’ve been up to. As the lunar new year approaches, I am looking back at 2024. It was a year of discoveries.

I modeled for a national insurance company. They hired me to model for their media library of stock photos. I came, posed, and made a month-worth of money in 30 minutes. At the set, I shook hands with a man, who I only later learned was a Hall of Fame baseball player from the New York Yankees. He was the brand ambassador. It was interesting to be on the other side of business. As an Art Director, I used to create marketing campaigns by accessing clients’ media libraries.

I was cast for the lead role in a short film. After the shoot, I told the young film director that I had never acted in my life. She was shocked and told me I was natural. I, too, was surprised at how relaxed I was. I enjoyed being the center of attention and was able to make everyone around me comfortable. I overheard someone saying “Acting is responding,” which still lingers in my head.

I volunteered as an energy healer at my yoga studio. There’s a class where healers with various expertise go around and offer healing during a yin yoga class. The opportunity to work as a healer came to me just when I was starting to feel like myself. Over the past year, I worked on so many people, from all kinds of backgrounds. My method of healing involves hands-on touch. The more I practiced, the more in tune I was able to connect. It feels like a silent energetic conversation.

I worked as a sales consultant at a fine art gallery. This opportunity felt fated. Last summer, I went into the gallery as a visitor and had an amazing conversation with an unassuming man who I later found out was the owner and curator. He then offered me the job. On the first day of that job, I worked 9 hours straight. There was an event nearby, and we had more visitors than usual. Well-spoken elders. Quiet collectors in Patagonia jackets. Passionate art lovers with pungent coffee breath. Newly-wed couples looking for the perfect painting for their bedroom. Influencer-type women in fits that slayed. I conversed with all of these people. And I was very good at it.

So why am I sharing this? Because all these experiences led me to realize my gift of connection through listening and talking. Most importantly, being my authentic self brought me all of these opportunities.

Authenticity is powerful. Only you can be you.

I feel so empty and lonely when I’m with some people They have no idea how much they don’t know Yet they think they know everything