You came into my dream the other night
We were at a dessert buffet
You got yourself creamy custard
You were so happy
I got a slice of tres leches with coconut flakes all over it
You wanted us to enjoy the treats together
It was so sweet
And peaceful
You come and visit me in my dreams from time to time
Telling me what’s going on in your waking life
What’s on your mind
How you are feeling
I once said to you
”I can always feel your energy”
That never changed
It still is true
You never left my heart.
For the first time, I am learning what it’s like to have people believe in me. I’m sure a lot of people believed in me before, but I didn’t believe them. So this is a very new feeling for me. It feels strange and exciting, and I kinda don’t know what to do with it.
I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to grow up with such an influence. To be seen, accepted, and loved for who I am, as I am, without having to shrink myself and behave in front of adults. This is making me sad!
I am not going to lie, I wish my family had the emotional maturity and capacity to receive me. But the truth is, I feel like an alien when I’m around them. I always felt that way. I just learned to blend in and appear happy on the outside, so they are happy.
When I was 17, I left home to attend high school in a foreign country. Thousands of miles away from where I grew up. I really just wanted to be away from home. Deep in my gut, I knew I couldn’t have reached my authenticity if I were around my family. They didn’t know what to do with me. I had to get me out of there.
Even writing this out loud, I feel a lot of guilt. I’ve come to see and love them for who they are. They love me in ways they know and can. I appreciate that. I am okay with that. I am grateful for that.
You watched me go through a hell of inner work for years.
I went to the “places” many wouldn’t have the guts to.
I am only now realizing how severe the damage was from everything that happened and everything else I carried on my shoulders for all these years.
There was a reason why I had to get lost and wander around many side quests.
My life is only now getting started.
I want to share with you what I’ve been up to. As the lunar new year approaches, I am looking back at 2024. It was a year of discoveries.
I modeled for a national insurance company. They hired me to model for their media library of stock photos. I came, posed, and made a month-worth of money in 30 minutes. At the set, I shook hands with a man, who I only later learned was a Hall of Fame baseball player from the New York Yankees. He was the brand ambassador. It was interesting to be on the other side of business. As an Art Director, I used to create marketing campaigns by accessing clients’ media libraries.
I was cast for the lead role in a short film. After the shoot, I told the young film director that I had never acted in my life. She was shocked and told me I was natural. I, too, was surprised at how relaxed I was. I enjoyed being the center of attention and was able to make everyone around me comfortable. I overheard someone saying “Acting is responding,” which still lingers in my head.
I volunteered as an energy healer at my yoga studio. There’s a class where healers with various expertise go around and offer healing during a yin yoga class. The opportunity to work as a healer came to me just when I was starting to feel like myself. Over the past year, I worked on so many people, from all kinds of backgrounds. My method of healing involves hands-on touch. The more I practiced, the more in tune I was able to connect. It feels like a silent energetic conversation.
I worked as a sales consultant at a fine art gallery. This opportunity felt fated. Last summer, I went into the gallery as a visitor and had an amazing conversation with an unassuming man who I later found out was the owner and curator. He then offered me the job. On the first day of that job, I worked 9 hours straight. There was an event nearby, and we had more visitors than usual. Well-spoken elders. Quiet collectors in Patagonia jackets. Passionate art lovers with pungent coffee breath. Newly-wed couples looking for the perfect painting for their bedroom. Influencer-type women in fits that slayed. I conversed with all of these people. And I was very good at it.
So why am I sharing this? Because all these experiences led me to realize my gift of connection through listening and talking. Most importantly, being my authentic self brought me all of these opportunities.
There was a man in gray hoodies sitting next to me in the waiting room
One of his upper cheeks was pierced with a black piercing
His backpack pockets had a bunch of crinkled tissue in them
His eyes were glazed
His vibe eccentric and otherworldly
His body language chaotic, erratic, and anxious
Saying random stuff whenever he wanted to
Yet there was a sense of freedom to his energy
Nobody was talking in the waiting room
Everyone staring into their phones
To avoid looking at each other
Dead silence
A song was playing on the speaker
It must have been a playlist of 2000’s hits
He said to me, “I hope I wll fall in love again”
It was a part of the chorus lyric
I smiled at him and said “I hope I will, too.”
“You read something which you thought only happened to you, and you discover that it happened 100 years ago to Dostoyevsky. This is a very great liberation for the suffering, struggling person, who always thinks that he is alone. This is why art is important. Art would not be important if life were not important, and life is important.” — James Baldwin
