When I was in my late 20’s, I was offered a full-time position at a global ad agency. It was my first six-figure salary.
I was given a glorious job title, doing creative work for renowned brands, in a posh office in Chicago’s River North neighborhood.
With the money, I was able to afford to shop and lunch at nearby spots every day and live comfortably.
Soon enough, I found myself feeling out of place, totally disconnected from everyone around me in the office.
The people were nice. I didn’t receive any direct treatment that was unpleasant. But there was something off about some of them. I couldn’t really put that into words at that time.
And I blamed myself for feeling that way because I was young and unable to trust my judgment. I felt guilty for not vibing with my colleagues and the atmosphere of the office.
Every morning, I dreaded going into the office. I felt so alienated although many “nice” people surrounded me.
A couple of months after my start date, I decided to make up a fake reason and resign from the job. I was terrified about lying just to quit. I didn’t want to burn any bridges.
Years went on. I saw a headline on LinkedIn. A head of an agency was accused of harassment and was fired, along with a few other men who partook in the action. It was the agency I lied to leave.
Warm summer night
Sitting on the balcony floor
Facing me closely
On the faded blue beach blanket
Two wine glasses
Two mezcal shots
One water pipe
Warm string lights
Illuminating the texture of your curly hair
Your eyes
So wide and open
Deep like the ocean
Sad like the saddest movie I’ve ever seen
Your eyes on my eyes
No blinking so far
Piercing through my soul
I feel seen for the first time
I got back into a regular practice of yoga around 2018 when I moved to a new neighborhood where I found a yoga studio I love. This is in Los Angeles.
I caught covid in late 2022. Then I came home to Japan in order to heal and recover from the serious decline in my health and well-being. I’d been away from my family for 3 years prior.
For the past 6 months, I’ve been practicing the headstand more intensively and intentionally than ever. And yesterday, with my knees bent (baby steps!), I was able to float both of my feet in the air for a few long seconds for the first time.
The headstand was always hard for me for two reasons. One, a lack of strength in my upper body. I’ve been training my upper body and core for this. Two, fear. I couldn’t kick the fear of vertical inversion. Everything about it was terrifying for me. It was psychological. The fear was limiting me, and I hated that.
Something happened to how I handled fear after a certain incident.
Recently, I spoke out against the untouchable masculine in my family. I say it casually, but this was monumental for me and my family, as he’s left immense emotional scars on me and others, for life.
This experience changed something in me. Something popped. I felt a level-up, and it feels fantastic.
I like my face the way it is. It took a lot of inner work to be able to say that, and I deserve this sense of ease. I earned it. It’s a good place to be.
I wish I weren’t feeling this way towards you. But you and I have fallen apart. Long long time ago. I am going to feel what I feel. I am going to allow myself to feel the way I do.
Big vast ocean
Slow dancing waves
Washing away all the worries
Embracing me with love
Love so big that’s out of this world
For the little child inside of me
I’m sitting in the shallow water
Looking straight into the orange sunset
Glitters on the surface
The water is warm
The whole place is warm
I am warm
Because the sun is still out there
I told him I love him
I simply expressed what I felt
It was not a request for an action
I sought no answer
The feelings were overflowing
And drowning me in overwhelm
I had to release them
I had to tell him
For me
